My Dance With Morphine – An Induced Madness
A long long time ago (okay not so long ago, more like two short months ago), I had a little visit to ICU. It wasn’t a long visit (only ten days) and nothing much can be recorded from my time there, with the exception of a little near death experience, lots of pain and even more hard core drugs!
I say hardcore drugs because until my visit to ICU, I have nothing to compare the experience to. I am by no means the kind of person who experiments with drugs. I’m WAY too much of a control freak you see. So here begins my tale of wonder and magic and absolutely horrendous terror!!
My wounds were serious (huge wound into my body cavity), my pain even more serious! I had an epidural for the first part but when that wore off holy hell was the pain severe! Enter Mr Morphine!
One of the days that my mother was visiting, I INSISTED that there was a man climbing scaffolding behind her in my little ICU glass box. In spite of being told there was no one there – I kept harping on and on and on about the damn man on the scaffolding. Okay, not the end of the world. (but I swear he was)
Another fun one was when I asked my family; “is the place flooded” and when they answered “no” my question to them, which obviously was perfectly sensible was; “then why are we all in canoes”… yes… CANOES, in ICU in a hospital.
That night, the old man coughing and rambling random words in the room besides mine became a NAZI general and I was TERRIFIED! I mean absolutely terrified to go to sleep because this man (who could not even sit without assistance) was going to come and kill me in my sleep. I don’t think I’ve ever been so terrified of anyone or anything.
Reality and hallucinations became one and the same thing. To me, everything was weird and creepy and so surreal. Like being told there is nothing there was the strangest thing to hear. BUT I CAN SEE IT RIGHT THERE!
For a control freak, this is something else. I became so paranoid that even the nurse (who granted was an evil bitch to me) checking my machines was trying to kill me off. I suppose my body trying to kill me wasn’t enough. I had to invent some crazy nemesis at every turn.
No, I don’t get the whole taking recreational drug thing. If it’s anything like my experience with morphine then no thanks. You can keep your fun!
Have you ever had morphine? Tell me about your experience! Is it always like this or just me?
Heavy days!!!! Good golly that was one helluva trip.
My issue with recreational drugs is more the paranoia of OD-ing on my first try. I kind of figure that would happen to me. Ok and the control freak bit too but more the OD thing.
After my first surgery I was sure every time my nurses went anywhere near my iv that they were trying to end me. The skin on my face was peeling off and everytime my family left visitation I thought they were abandoning me. Funny enough I remember being on a boat or canoe as well. Brutal experience which I’ve for the most part been blocking from reentering my mind until I read your post.
I’m sorry your experience was awful. .. I know all too well how it feels and how nice putting it out of your mind is. A nurse friend of mine explained that it’s normal to have boat type hallucinations because of the sound of the machines and the floaty feeling. It’s weird how paranoid you get though. I had a nurse who disconnected my call button. I’m pretty sure she was actually trying to kill me 😨
Gosh it has been fun times in your corner of the world hey! I once had a temp that was very high that caused me to see orange balls bouncing everywhere! (not the same I know)
Lol true story!! My Dr asked if I’m just going through the textbook trying everything out. Orange balls everywhere sounds like something out of dodge ball… that movie gave me the creeps!!
Gosh – scary stuff. I had a combination of Atarax and Pethadine after the twins’ birth that had me hanging in the air over my bed – watching everyone including myself. Scary stuff. And I am also way too much a control freak for drugs
I love that I’m not the only control freak. I wonder if any new moms just enjoy the floaty feeling. I can’t imagine having a tiny brand new baby and loving the feeling of being totally out of control!
Sorry to hear that you were so ill. Yup I’m also way to scared of loosing control to try recreational drugs. Hate to say it but your imaginings were quite amusing
Thank you Sula! I must say, we laugh about them quite regularly. Especially because I was so insistent and no matter how much they tried to tell me it wasn’t true I just kept seeing these things! Lol
I had it in my drip after my c section with my son. Again by no means was my experience remotely close to yours. But I kept wondering why I felt so strange like my brain was swimming, the room kept spinning and I felt really out of it. As for pain relief. I still felt my pain, The cut felt alive so all I was, was a post labour drunk with a new born and a painfull incision lol. Agreed they can keep their morphine lol
Post labour drunk!! That is such a perfect description!!