The last three months have been difficult. I mean really really tough. The kind of hard that drains you and you find yourself desperate to escape and find yourself in someone else’s life. If you follow my blog, you will know about the trauma that I’ve been through. If you don’t, you can read this post about what happened. I’m not writing this to complain so much as I’m just trying to gain perspective for myself.
This has been the longest and hardest year of my life but it’s getting better
First things first, let’s get this clear. I’m lucky to be alive and I am both very aware of that as well as very thankful for it. I treasure my life. I love my life. Secondly, I wouldn’t trade my son for anything in the world. That child has brought me a sense of purpose and fulfilment like nothing has before. I had no idea how much I needed to be a mother. I’ve spent my life “living” but in all truth I had no idea what it felt like to actually use my entire heart. Suddenly, that’s what I’m doing. My heart is overflowing with love. I feel so content in my soul (or I would if I believed in souls). Anyway, the point is, I’m happier than I’ve ever been and yet still, I am EXHAUSTED. I feel like I’ve taken one hell of a beating both emotionally and physically. I’m finally over the pain of my injured body and multiple surgeries but the emotional drain is still here in full swing.
Physical symptoms of stress and trauma
My hair is falling out in clumps. I’ve read that it’s a result of the trauma from surgery and recovery but it’s so bad that most days I’m too scared to untie it incase it’s all gone when I let it down. I am not exaggerating either. It’s really bad. If you have some magic trick to stop this happening, do let me know.
I’m sleeping but I’m always tired. I suppose, at least I’m managing to get to sleep because in the days right after everything happened, I couldn’t sleep without a sleeping tablet. Thank the heavens for those things or I would have been a zombie. So anyway my sleep isn’t very restful. Why would it be, I wake up to tiny little moans all throughout the night. On the bright side, my 3 month old baby has just like magic, started sleeping through the night. We are ever so grateful (we deserve a break) and we are hoping it lasts.
I’ve been in and out of the hospital and I’m currently in week 4 of “day’s since I was last in hospital” and it feels really good. Except if I feel a tiny pain and get into a huge panic that something is wrong and I’m going to have to go back. I desperately don’t want to go back in. So back to where I started, stressing.
Current happenings and things to look forward to
My blog has taken a bit of a backseat. I’m the kind of person who writes when I’m inspired and feeling creative but having a baby hasn’t exactly given me much time to focus on the creative side of life. I basically squeeze in writing when he’s asleep and writing on demand is a bit challenging for me at the moment.
Anyway, my amazing son is growing like wildfire. He’s rather large and chubby but is just adorable. He’s starting to be so much more aware of the world and I’m loving watching him discover new things. He still hasn’t figured out how to stop his fist from hitting his face but I suspect he will get that right eventually.
I’m looking forward to a nice break in the Eastern Cape with my husband’s family for Christmas. It will be nice getting out the house and away for a little while. I hope we come back rested and well prepared to take on the new year. Ahh the new year. Guess I better make some new years resolutions then 🙂 Have you got yours all sorted yet?
Reflecting on things that have happened and staying positive
It’s been kinda strange this last few months. So many people have called me brave and inspiring. I honestly never thought about myself in that way but it’s these labels that have helped me get by. When people look at what I’ve gone through and are surprised by how positive I am, it really makes me feel proud of myself. I usually just stumble by doing what I think is best but it’s an amazing feeling to know that others see you in this light. I’m looking forward to life going back to normal, I suppose it will forever be changed but I’m grateful that soon enough it will all be a memory.
I have my next surgery in February/March. I’m also looking forward to that because it means I can go back to life before the colostomy. I can’t wait. I’ve faced this pretty head on but it definitely isn’t easy living with one. I’m usually such a private person and there is no privacy in walking around with a stoma bag. It seems to show through all my clothing. I’m not ashamed of it but I would like to be able to wear my regular clothing without looking different. I can’t really do that so I think I’m going to really enjoy not having the burden of changing the bag, dealing with the pain that comes with it, spending ages picking out clothing, feeling ashamed of the noises it makes etc… so yes, reversal surgery is something to look forward to. Of course that means there is going to be a lot of healing to be done post surgery (it’s a huge surgery) but it’ll all be worth it.
I think what has surprised me most about the last few months is how I now see myself. I am honestly impressed with my ability to keep my spirits up. Things have been tough but I’ve really managed to keep myself together and get on with life. I think that’s a small thing but it’s something I’m grateful about. I’m pretty sure everyone would have understood if I’d stayed in a black hole after the last few months but instead, I’ve gotten on with things. That has been the key to doing more and more every day. I didn’t want to miss out on Oden’s life so I was forced to get up everyday and get to it.Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see a shadow - Helen Keller Click To Tweet
I’ve absolutely loved being a mom and he has given so much happiness to my heart but he doesn’t even know it yet but he saved me. He made me fight to get better, to get up, to get on with life. My little monkey can’t figure out what his hands are for yet but he saved me.
And that’s worth everything to me. So where I’m at right now, is my happy place. Tough year or not. I’m glad to be here.