Heading forward, looking back!

Heading forward, looking back! | Tyranny of Pink

So the last 7 months have been a roller-coaster of every kind of emotion. If you follow my blog, you know the story. If not, in summary, I had a baby in September and then had a whole lot of surgery after that, a stint in ICU and a little near death experience. I kid you not.

Things have been hectic for me. Not only have I been trying to adjust to being a new mom which is bloody hard in itself, but I’ve also been dealing with my emotions which have been all over the place. I’ve been feeling like superwoman one minute and just a mess the next. I’ve decided to make my blog all about me and in doing that I know I might lose a big chunk of my readership but actually, sometimes you just need your creative outlet to be about you and nothing more. So if you want serious me then visit my other blog jonelledupont.com because that’s where you will find posts that do not relate to that time I nearly died. A HUGE factor in my life right now is coming to terms with my own mortality and the fact that I didn’t die.

Heading forward, looking back! - Tyranny of Pink

What’s next?

This week I saw my surgeon and found out I will be having my reversal (I have a colostomy at the moment and they will be putting me back to how I was before) surgery in the next 2 or 3 weeks. That is major. Originally I was told 3 months with it but then complication after complication saw to it that I couldn’t have any surgery and here I am 7 months later in shock that the time has finally come and I have a date.

Bad news and good news is that my surgeon who originally saved my life won’t be doing the surgery himself. He will be scrubbing in but reckons I’m safer in the hands of a gastrointestinal specialist because he wants the very best for me and this other Dr is the best in that field. So I’m terrified. Mostly, I know there is nothing to be afraid of but the truth is, if something goes wrong and I die, my son will not even remember me and I’m fucking terrified of that. If I die, I’ll be dead and I won’t even know it but Oden (my son) will. He will know for every day of the rest of his life that he has no mom and that terrifies me more than anything.

I know we can’t predict life but I need to be here for him. I need to learn who he is and discover what he loves and doesn’t love but mostly, I need to be there to kiss his knees when they get scraped. When he has a bad dream, I need to be there to cuddle him and make him feel better. When his heart gets broken, I need to hug him and tell him it will all be okay. Mothers are so important and if I die, I won’t know but my son will lack the love that only I can give him and that is what terrifies me most.

Realistically speaking

I know it’s not very likely that I will die. In fact my surgeon says there is a 3% chance something will go wrong and the worst that could happen is NOT DEATH but a leak in my intestine which would mean waking up with a new colostomy instead of being reversed and even if that did happen it would only be for 3 months before they could try again. So I know nothing should go wrong but after my last experience, I’m terrified.

I’ve not felt like myself for days. I’ve just felt scared. I know that I’ll get through this when I think about it logically but logic isn’t the deciding factor when it comes to fear and I am terrified.

I am supposed to find out my exact date on Friday . Looking forward to finally having a day to get to and get this over with. I’ve put on so much weight without even noticing because I can’t even exercise (risks of a hernia are huge) and when I’m sad, I eat. So here I am, growing larger and more afraid but also excited because soon, this will be a thing of the past. I really really really look forward to the day this is all some bad memory from my past.

Send positive vibes <3

Joni_Sig2

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9 Discussion to this post

  1. Lotte says:

    This made me shed a little tear. I imagine I’d be feeling just the same as you. Of course all will be fine, but urghhh. Sending love xxx

    • Thanks Lotte. I think after this next surgery I’ll finally start feeling like I’m at least headed in the right direction. Right now it all kind of feels like I’m in a limbo. I’m SO ready to be through this rough “patch”. Huge hugs!! xxx

  2. Heading forward, looking back. My twin this post really got to me. It got me thinking about my life and my kids and if I die and they miss out on their mother’s love. Thanks for sharing this. I pray that all goes well with your surgery and you can get back to being the great mum that you are to baby Oden. Lots of love from rainy Dar es Salaam xx

    • So much changes when we become parents, suddenly our lives aren’t about us anymore. I think what made me most aware of this was when my father passed without proper plans in place. I made my will before I even thought about having a baby and everything was clearly lined out for my possibly might exist kids because I didn’t want ANY confusion. Thank you my twin, I appreciate the faith! xoxo

  3. Bonnie says:

    Aaargh auto correct…. Bob Marley. Lol

  4. Bonnie says:

    Sending you a huge amount of positive vibes and soooooo much love. As big as the sky! And for good measure ….. The words of the Bob Market song “Three little birds”…. don’t worry about a thing, cause every little thing’s gonna be alright. Love you xoxo

  5. ChevsLife says:

    Jonelle, I hear where you at. You’ve really been through one hell of a journey with many hills!

    I too have been wrestling with my mortality lately, not because of my health though, but because of my impeding trip to Austria and needing to put a will in place and the fear of what will become of my son. Like you it is not the dying that terrifies me, but the not knowing and not being there for the people we love most in this world.

    I have no comforting words for what you are experiencing, but I can imagine the emotional turmoil that you may be experiencing when you least expect it and possibly at the most odd times, and constantly scratching at the back of your mind.

    Know that I wish you well for your surgery, and believe that you will make a full recovery and spend many more years staring into the eyes of the two loves in your life.

    • Thank you for your lovely and supportive comment. I’m sorry to hear you’ve been going through a similar journey. It is scary stuff. I asked for my will to be changed as I was being wheeled into my most serious surgery and it’s funny how when you think of something happening to you, you want everyone you love taken care of. It’s just what happens with love. The thought of not being there for when our boys need us is scarier than the scariest, hairiest spider you could imagine! That’s a silly joke but I’m thankful that you get what I’m going through. I feel so isolated in this whole thing and I also feel like people are starting to roll their eyes and think oh there she goes again but I’m just doing my best to literally get out of this whole damn thing alive. Saw you’ll be at the meet up on Saturday. Really looking forward to meeting you. <3 So much love and thank you again for your comforting words, understanding and well wishes! xoxo

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