Heading forward, looking back!
So the last 7 months have been a roller-coaster of every kind of emotion. If you follow my blog, you know the story. If not, in summary, I had a baby in September and then had a whole lot of surgery after that, a stint in ICU and a little near death experience. I kid you not.
Things have been hectic for me. Not only have I been trying to adjust to being a new mom which is bloody hard in itself, but I’ve also been dealing with my emotions which have been all over the place. I’ve been feeling like superwoman one minute and just a mess the next. I’ve decided to make my blog all about me and in doing that I know I might lose a big chunk of my readership but actually, sometimes you just need your creative outlet to be about you and nothing more. So if you want serious me then visit my other blog jonelledupont.com because that’s where you will find posts that do not relate to that time I nearly died. A HUGE factor in my life right now is coming to terms with my own mortality and the fact that I didn’t die.
This week I saw my surgeon and found out I will be having my reversal (I have a colostomy at the moment and they will be putting me back to how I was before) surgery in the next 2 or 3 weeks. That is major. Originally I was told 3 months with it but then complication after complication saw to it that I couldn’t have any surgery and here I am 7 months later in shock that the time has finally come and I have a date.
Bad news and good news is that my surgeon who originally saved my life won’t be doing the surgery himself. He will be scrubbing in but reckons I’m safer in the hands of a gastrointestinal specialist because he wants the very best for me and this other Dr is the best in that field. So I’m terrified. Mostly, I know there is nothing to be afraid of but the truth is, if something goes wrong and I die, my son will not even remember me and I’m fucking terrified of that. If I die, I’ll be dead and I won’t even know it but Oden (my son) will. He will know for every day of the rest of his life that he has no mom and that terrifies me more than anything.
I know we can’t predict life but I need to be here for him. I need to learn who he is and discover what he loves and doesn’t love but mostly, I need to be there to kiss his knees when they get scraped. When he has a bad dream, I need to be there to cuddle him and make him feel better. When his heart gets broken, I need to hug him and tell him it will all be okay. Mothers are so important and if I die, I won’t know but my son will lack the love that only I can give him and that is what terrifies me most.
I know it’s not very likely that I will die. In fact my surgeon says there is a 3% chance something will go wrong and the worst that could happen is NOT DEATH but a leak in my intestine which would mean waking up with a new colostomy instead of being reversed and even if that did happen it would only be for 3 months before they could try again. So I know nothing should go wrong but after my last experience, I’m terrified.
I’ve not felt like myself for days. I’ve just felt scared. I know that I’ll get through this when I think about it logically but logic isn’t the deciding factor when it comes to fear and I am terrified.
I am supposed to find out my exact date on Friday . Looking forward to finally having a day to get to and get this over with. I’ve put on so much weight without even noticing because I can’t even exercise (risks of a hernia are huge) and when I’m sad, I eat. So here I am, growing larger and more afraid but also excited because soon, this will be a thing of the past. I really really really look forward to the day this is all some bad memory from my past.
Send positive vibes <3