To the women who don’t want children

To the women who don't want children | Tyranny of Pink

When I was growing up, I wasn’t sure if I wanted children. If you asked me, I’d have said “mmm we will see what happens.” I’ve never been overly into kids in the way that some people are. I never thought I’d be good at being a mother either. I was never a natural with children. Just usually quite awkward.

Occasionally people would ask me if I want to have children and I’d say “I don’t think so” and they’d say “you’ll change your mind” and “your maternal instinct will kick in” and occasionally they’d even say “a woman is not complete without a child” and I’d nod and smile because I was raised to be polite.

I wasn’t sure I’d get married either if I’m honest. I was never one of those girls imagining their future weddings. I had no idea what type of dress I’d wear and I certainly never believed I’d love someone enough to tie myself to them for all eternity “through sickness and in health” and all that crap. In hind sight, I’m lucky I married a man who married me for the good times and the bad because he sure got the raw deal when I nearly died and he was left figuring out how to take care of me and our son for the year after our sons birth.

Then one day – I met this man and I fell. BOOM. I was so in love.

It sounds like the cheesiest thing on earth to say I met him and I knew in that moment that I wanted to spend forever with him. It was like magic escaped and only I knew the secret to the world. I was head over heels in love.

So we got married, we had a honeymoon and our life started together and it was wonderful. So we started talking about children. We decided we’d prefer to have one biological child and if we wanted a second child we would look into adopting.

Then we were told that there was no way we could “naturally” have kids.

And the dream was broken. But not to be told no, we looked into IVF and we decided we’d try that but then some more magic happened and we had our son and it was incredible and I nearly died giving birth but I’d do it all again.

Having a child changed me. I discovered parts of my heart that I did not know I had. What they say about not knowing how much you can love someone until you’re a parent really is true for me.

I fought death because I NEEDED to live for my child. I couldn’t imagine not getting to see him grow up. He is honestly the best part of my world and I love him like nothing else.

But let me tell you something.

IT IS HARD! And here’s the part where this concerns you if you’ve decided that you don’t want children. It isn’t something that you should do because society or your mother or even a partner puts on you.

NOT WANTING CHILDREN IS OKAY!

Honestly, being a mom is not for everyone and if it’s not for you then THAT’S OKAY!!

If you don’t want children, that’s okay!

I am SO tired of hearing people being told they will change their minds or they aren’t a real woman until they’ve had a child and that having kids is their PURPOSE.

FUCK THAT SHIT!!

Maybe you will have them and they will change you but maybe they won’t. Maybe you’ll just regret having kids and that’s worse!

Being happy is your purpose. Your only purpose in this world and being a parent is fucking hard. It’s hard enough if you want it more than anything in the whole world never mind if you didn’t even want kids to start off with.

You don’t have to feel bad about not wanting them. 

You don’t have to explain your choices to anyone, except maybe your partner but you don’t have to justify your decision to ANY ONE ELSE!

I love being a mom. I honestly love it more than anything. It truly does make me feel like my life is better because of it but that doesn’t mean the same will happen to you and it doesn’t mean you should try it just in case.

If you don’t think you want kids – that is completely 100% okay. It doesn’t mean your life and your priorities are rubbish. It doesn’t mean that my choices are. It just means that we have different needs.

Please stop letting people make you feel bad about your choices!

Even people who KNOW my story still ask when I’m going to have the second baby! I don’t want to DIE but that’s not enough for them…

You only get one life – live it however the fuck you want to!

 

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10 Discussion to this post

  1. Heather says:

    Thank you for this post. You know it is the worst when you are battling infertility to be told you are less of a woman because you don’t have a child. And you really want one. You are not less of a woman. We can learn so much from different types of woman. But I am so glad to be a mom at last.

    • Heather, I’m glad you’re a mom too! I can’t believe that people can be so insensitive. I hate these things about what makes you a woman… and having children, wanted or not, is not what makes you any more or less of a woman. I was definitely a woman BEFORE I was a mother and I will continue to be both woman AND mother. I hate that you’ve even had to feel bad about yourself because of something out of your control! <3

  2. Robyn says:

    I loved this post and agree wholeheartedly. I was also told I wouldn’t have kids naturally and for 8 years we accepted the fact that it wasn’t meant to be. Then BOOM I got pregnant out of the blue. The funny thing is that in those 8 years I never let myself even consider the idea of being a mom, so it was a massive thing for me to prepare myself for parenthood because up until that moment it wasn’t even a possibility. And it’s HARD. So. fucking. hard.

    • Robyn, what a lovely surprise. I can imagine how you felt after 8 years because after only one year it was a HUGE surprise and I was completely overwhelmed and so terrified all at once. Being a parent is such a wonderful and special experience but it really should never be forced on anyone because as you say, it’s SO FUCKING hard even when it’s the thing you want most in the world! Thanks for sharing your experience xox

  3. Yesssss. Well I always imagined I would have kids, didn’t plan when I would- but motherhood is tough like you said. I completely understand if someone does not even want to try to have a kid. A lot of times I feel like I’m not mothery enough lol
    Love this post.

    • Thank you Melissa!
      I think motherhood is the greatest gift ever given to me but if it wasn’t something I wanted, it would truly feel like a burden and no child should ever be raised feeling unwanted!

  4. I was the same as you….. Didn’t think kids were for me. Was worried I would not know how to love them…and I’m really awkward around kids. Not one of those ‘natural’ mom types….

    Great post! Really……kids are definitely not for everybody. But thank goodness I decided to have them! They are my world!

    • Thanks Simone! Honestly my child is my life but every time someone asks me about being a mom I tell them it’s so damn hard and if there are doubts, rather don’t because it’s not for the unsure! I think my opinion on what a mother looks like has changed now that I am actually a mother. It turns out, my kid loves me SO much and I don’t even bake 😛 xxx

  5. Bonnie says:

    You are doing a really great job being a Mom. Oden is growing up so fast. Enjoy every minute. ♡♡♡

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