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Death & Grief

I haven’t felt like writing lately. Truth be told, I haven’t felt like doing much else other than cry. It feels somewhat ridiculous even putting this out there – the fact that I’m crying over the loss of a thing. A thing with no meaning more than memories attached to it. But I’m getting ahead of myself As you may know if you read this blog regularly, we are moving to New Zealand. Well at least that is the hope. So far, there have been steps taken towards that move

They say death is the number one fear. Not to me. I’m not afraid of dying. You see to me you’re alive And then you’re not   Just light one minute and darkness the next   No I’m not afraid of dying. Only the bereaved I’d leave behind. You see I know that feeling all too well The pain that fills the void The heart-break that fills the silence The longing that remains When love has died   I’m afraid of the hole left behind I’m afraid of the tears

It feels like a lifetime since you left us here, figuring the world out without you. Over a decade has passed and yet every day will be the shortest time that you’ll ever be gone because as the days pass, so does the time since I last got to speak to you. I’m writing a letter to the world who reads my blog because somehow, it feels like if I put my emotions out there, they’ll stop sitting like a lump in my throat that I can’t swallow. It’s making

If you’ve ever loved someone and they’ve died, you know what I’m on about. You know that the pain and suffering you feel long outlasts the patience of the people around you. It’s been a year, isn’t it enough already? They ask you! But the truth is, when it comes to death, the passage of time comes to a stand still and though the years may pass you are forever trapped in the time you had together. The time before death arrived. You think about them and you miss them. And

 Life isn’t anything like it was. A year ago around this time, I was just getting out of hospital. A year ago at this time, I was just starting my journey as a mom. A year ago at this time, I lost my grandfather, four months before losing my grandmother. They both died while I was in hospital having one surgery or another. A year ago. Feels ridiculous to say a year ago when it feels like yesterday. And in this time, so much has happened and I’ve changed and

My father died almost 11 years ago. I can’t actually believe it was so long ago although it feels like a lifetime ago when I think about all the things he has missed. Birthdays, Christmases, graduations, boyfriends, an engagement, my wedding, the birth of my son, that time I nearly died… the list goes on and on. There are tonnes of small things too. I think perhaps the conversations are the hardest to live without. When you think, I wonder what my dad would suggest but then you can’t ask

I almost never post on a Saturday. Weekends are sacred family time for me – usually I’m not even at home long enough to type anything out but today, things are bugging me and I had to write.  Creative release as therapy and all that. So, what’s bothering me? Last night, we went to a friend’s birthday party. We left home at about 6.30pm, even though we were supposed to be there at 6pm but a little baby and being on time don’t always go together so well so we

I wrote this poem in 2008 after my dad died in a car accident. There is nothing great about the poem itself. It was just a 23-year-old who had lost her dad rambling onto a page. I was traumatised for a long time after he died. His death changed everything about me and who I am. It took away religion for me and opened my eyes to the fact that death is just a part of life and sometimes it happens to good people without reason. It just is what

A few weeks ago, my doorbell rang. It was my uncle dropping off some things from my grandmother’s house. You see, my grandmother died in January. A few days after my 33rd birthday – while I was lying in hospital. This woman had been like my mother. For ten years of my life she took care of me, she brushed my hair, she dressed me, she made my lunch. She loved me like I was her child. When I turned 13, I packed my bags and moved in with my

These last few days have been sad days for me. Yesterday without thinking I opened up a letter my gran had written for my wedding. It was a beautiful wish for happiness and it means so much to me because my gran died the year after I got married. At the end of the letter she said she was glad she had met Gerard and she knew that we’d have a long and happy marriage. I basically lost all control reading that. I sobbed and then I sobbed a little

Sometime in September, after I had given birth to my son and landed up in ICU after severe complications, my mother walked into my room in the intensive care unit and with one look I knew she was there to break the news to me. The cancer that was eating him alive had finally beaten him. His body was weak, it was no surprise. It hurt but it was also a relief to know his suffering was over. “More and more, when I single out the person out who inspired

I danced with the devil last night. Alone in my room, I waited for you. My mouth began to taste of blood. I should have known. I should have felt the ice slip through my veins. I should have heard the screams that chilled the darkness. Time ticked by. Seconds dragging on for hours. With every passing second of my life, you love me, only less. I long to die. And so I dance in my sleep. The blood in my veins will stop flowing and dry up. When you

We grieve more for ourselves than for those who have died One of the only things guaranteed in this world is death and so it surprises me how unprepared we are as a species for when someone we love dies. We are often completely thrown without the slightest idea how to treat people who are grieving. A little pat on the back and a sorry for your loss is usually the go to response. But really, how useful is that kind of behaviour and what is a good way to

It’s nearly the end of the year. Christmas is around the corner, literally a few days away and I thought that makes it a pretty good time to do some reflecting over the last year. Blog life I started my blog in January, after a short attempt at blogging unofficially and discovering that writing is my absolute passion. Someone asked me long ago to think about pursuing a life as a writer and I brushed her off. Well, turns out I spent an awful lot of my life having no

The year, started off quite nicely. Nothing fancy, just a little celebration in our home. A good way to bring in the new year. Half way through the year however, my grandfather became ill and discovered that he had already-too-advanced-to-bother-with-treatment-cancer. We basically waited for the next couple of months for the inevitable. He deteriorated very rapidly and died soon after that. My grandmother has since been slipping away into a world where her dementia allows her to cope with her grief. Did I mention he died while I was in

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