Previously, I’ve talked about passion and love is passion isn’t it? I find myself silently singing What is love in my head (yes, I’m weird like that).
Sometimes we let ourselves get so swept up in our passion that we stop thinking sensibly. In fact, we throw caution to the wind and we just leap. Sometimes, without realising it, we miss the ledge on the other side and we just start free-falling. Problem is, we don’t realise just what happened until we hit the bottom.
By then, it’s too late. Wayyyyy too late. Our hearts are broken and our self-esteem is crushed. I don’t now why we let ourselves fall so far but I do know that it’s not just women that this happens too. Men are just as capable of this kind of experience although they are less likely to admit to it.
My relationship with my first love was a disaster
It lasted way longer than it should have and got way messier than any relationship should. The problem wasn’t that we didn’t love each other, the problem was that we weren’t suited and we wanted different things out of life and love. Also, we tried to make it work for years longer than we should have. When we were together it was like exploding stars but the second we were apart, there was just mess. It was messy and ugly and we both got hurt and as a result we hurt each other, on purpose. We played this revenge game for a long time. Unable to remove ourselves from the situation we were in. Blinded by this relationship that we had. The good parts were so good but the bad parts were unbearable. Even our families tried to stop us from seeing each other but we always found a way. We made mistakes and we caused damage. By the time we finally got away from each other, thanks to me being exiled by my father (read about that here), we had already caused so much damage to each other and to ourselves. The kind that lasts a long time.
It took me a long time to learn to love after that
What was even harder was learning that I was someone worth loving. That relationship was so damaging to my ego that for a long time I thought I was the problem. I wasn’t. I didn’t let anyone in for a long time. I had this idea in my head of what love was. Love to me, meant pain. It meant hurting and fighting and screaming. Love was cheating and backstabbing (I was never the cheat) but it just felt like part of the whole “love” thing.
As I got older, I realised, that wasn’t love
In fact, love wasn’t anything like that. Love was caring for each other. Wanting to make each other happy and even more surprising, actually doing so. It was really only after a relationship ended much later in life (you can read about that here) that I realised that I wasn’t prepared to settle anymore. I decided that love should feel right and until that happens, I’m not going to let myself get pulled into another sub par love affair with someone I didn’t deserve to be with. If we’re honest, no one deserves to be treated badly.
I decided to put myself first
So I did. By swearing off relationships (until I was ready). I decided to love myself more than anything, experience the world on my own and really learn to love myself. You see, the problem wasn’t that “he” hadn’t loved me enough, the problem was that I hadn’t loved myself enough. It seems so ridiculous looking back now but if I had loved myself, I would never have allowed someone else to treat me that way.
The truth is that If you value something, you take care of it. You have to learn to value yourself and to give yourself the love that you deserve. If you don’t, then why would anyone else? Love starts with you. You have to show other people how to treat you. What you are prepared to do and what you are not prepared to accept. If you want to be truly loved, then right this very second, start loving yourself.