This was harder for me to admit than many things I’ve openly said before. I’m not natural at being a mother.
I had always hoped I would be. I thought I’d be that kind of mom. I really did.
My son has been the biggest blessing in my life. My miracle child born against all odds.
I am more thankful for him than anything else in this world.
He makes me beam with pride and when I wake up and see his face, my heart fills all over again.
So why do I feel like such a failure, when it’s 11am and I’m looking at my phone for the millionth time checking emails and wondering how I’m going to get it all done.
Why do I feel a little annoyed when there are toys all over the lounge for the hundredth time that day. Toys he doesn’t play with but takes great pleasure in spilling all over the room.
Why do I feel frustrated when it’s 8pm and he still hasn’t gone to sleep?
Because I’m human that’s why.
Because I have limited hours in the day, just like everyone else and somehow I’ve got to fit it all in.
Washing, cleaning, writing, work, making lunch, making dinner, feeding him, feeding myself, showering, checking emails, responding to emails… all in a day.
And when I go to sleep at night and the world falls off my shoulders. I feel guilt.
I was a little too short-tempered.
I was a little too anxious.
I didn’t play with him enough.
I worked too much.
I didn’t work enough.
I should change who I am.
I should be better, do more, be more, be everything all at once.
But I can’t. I’m just one person. One person with many roles.
Many hats to wear all at once. One head to wear them all on.
I am mom, I am wife, I am daughter, cook, cleaner, business person all at once.
I am drowning in my responsibilities but it’s the guilt that kills me.
[bctt tweet=”It’s time to let go of #MomGuilt” username=”tyrannyofpink”]
I feel like I’m failing in the most important role of all. Being a mother.
Because I’m not naturally just a mom. It doesn’t come easy to me to drop everything and just play.
I want to. But somehow, it’s just not me. And maybe that’s okay too.
Maybe being a mother isn’t defined in one particular way?
Maybe being a mother is juggling all these roles and responsibilities?
Maybe being a mother still means being who you are. Who you were before.
I love him more than life itself. I would do anything for him.
But please. Just give me 5 minutes to myself.
I just want to pee alone for a minute, drink a cup of tea for a minute, sit down and rest for a minute and another two minutes just to gather my thoughts.
I want to let go of the guilt that I carry.
I want to stop feeling guilty when I need a minute alone.
I want to be there for him but in order to be a strong mother, I need to take care of me too.
Maybe that’s okay?
Maybe it doesn’t make me a bad mother to not be good at everything all the time?
Maybe it’s okay that I try. I try really hard to do it all, to be it all.
Maybe it’s okay to let go of the guilt. Just for a minute.
Just for today!
[bctt tweet=”Maybe it doesn’t make me a bad mother to not be good at everything all the time? ” username=”tyrannyofpink”]
Please tell me I’m not alone? That this feeling is normal? That it doesn’t make me a bad mom to just need time to myself sometimes?