Why you ramble no one knows | Thoughts on grief

Ramblin’ rose, ramblin’ rose
Why you ramble, no one knows
Wild and wind blown, that’s how you’ve grown
Who can cling to a ramblin’ rose?Ramble on, ramble on
When your ramblin’ days are gone
Who will love you with a love true
When your ramblin’ days are gone?Ramblin’ rose, ramblin’ rose
Why I want you, heaven knows
Though I love you with a love true
Who can cling to a ramblin’ rose?Ramblin’ rose, ramblin’ rose
Why I want you, heaven knows
Though I love you with a love true
Who can cling to a ramblin’ rose?

Nat King Cole

Today’s Thoughts…

I came here to tell you all kinds of things. I was going to write a blog post about staying positive when you’re job hunting.

More to convince myself that I need to remember that it’s a numbers game than anything else. Instead, I am here to tell you I’m sad. 

Yup.

I’m living this perfect life.

It really is bloody amazing. So why do I keep bursting into tears?

Well, the truth is, for a while I wasn’t sure. Today I realised, that it’s because of my dad. Remember him? He died like a lifetime ago. Seriously. He died when I was 23 and I’ve come to terms with the fact that I will NEVER get over his death.

I’m okay with that because that is just how death works. People die and then we grieve for ever.

But… it’s times like these that are often the hardest. Periods of transition. Periods of change. Periods when you want to tell your dad how happy you are but you can’t. It’s now that I’m really struggling.

He knew this was my dream and I know he’d be happy for me. I know he’d be proud of me for everything I overcame to get here. I know he’d be in my corner, telling me that this was 100% the right choice to make. And that is what makes it so damn hard. 

Instead I’m watching shows on tv of dads and their relationships with their children and in every one of them I see myself. I imagine the relationship I’d have with my dad.

A side of him I never got to know, the grandfather side. An older man. Calmer maybe. More settled in his own space. Less living on the wild side. More calm conversations about where is a good place to send my son to school.

I don’t know… probably conversations laughing about Trump and crying over the state of South Africa. Fuck. It’s these moments I wish more than anything he was here.

But he isn’t. 

And so I sit here crying over a fucking comedy show depicting a girl and her dad bantering. 

Don’t take your parents for granted. 

Comment

10 Comments

  • Govind Kale
    29th September 2018

    Come across this while searching birth and death..You words touched my heart and soul. Especially since in lost my father yesterday…

    • TyrannyofPink
      Govind Kale
      29th September 2018

      I’m sorry to hear of your loss Govind. There is nothing more painful than losing someone you love. May your heart heal with time. I promise it gets easier with time.

  • Shelley
    6th August 2018

    A girl losing her daddy is a wound that cuts deep. I have a “same but different” appreciation for what you feel and send you hugs from across the pond. You make me proud❤

  • Kerry
    6th August 2018

    Sending you the biggest hugs! There are no right words to say at a time like this but I just know he would be so proud of you.
    And as much as everything is perfect, you don’t have to be happy 100% of the time, it is okay to feel what you feel and not put on a brave face just because you’re “lucky” that everything is perfect!
    Thinking of you xx

    • TyrannyofPink
      Kerry
      8th August 2018

      These words were literally the perfect thing to say. Thank you Kerry, means so much to me and honestly, I breathed a big exhale at seeing in print “It’s okay to feel what you feel”… I’m so afraid of people thinking I’m regretting my choices that I don’t want to admit some stuff is hard. So thank you ?

  • Bonnie
    6th August 2018

    Oh love, he’d be so proud of you and the choices you’ve made. I guess that makes it even harder when you can’t tell him how happy you are. He’d definitely be excited that you have made your dream come true. I know I am. Sending love and hugs xoxo.

    • TyrannyofPink
      Bonnie
      6th August 2018

      Thank you mom! Love you so much!! And I really appreciate all the support you give me always! <3

  • Tamarah
    6th August 2018

    I hear you. On so very many levels. Sending all the love.

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