Silencing the past. Rewriting this narrative.

I didn’t have the happiest childhood. My childhood was full of heart break and divorce and I have struggled with abandonment issues for most of my life. In fact, it wasn’t until I met this wonderful husband of mine that I actually learnt to trust that someone who loved me, would stick around by choice.

I don’t want to write a feel sorry for me post, it’s not about that at all. Just today I realised that my son is probably older than I was when my parents got divorced. I think about my earliest memory, it’s a sad one. And I’m aware that at almost 4, Oden is starting to build memories that he could possibly carry with him forever.

I sit in the room and I hear him, playing in his room, on his own. Singing. He sings made up songs. His singing voice is just like mine, terrible. But that doesn’t stop me and it certainly doesn’t stop this little boy.

There is no sound that makes me happier than hearing him sing made up words to made up songs. He is always laughing. He is always singing. He is such a happy child.

I didn’t want children for almost all of my life. Until I wanted Oden with every part of me and then I was told it wouldn’t happen and suddenly, by some sort of miracle, there he was. I don’t want him to ever feel like he wasn’t wanted. I wanted this child more than I’ve ever wanted anything.

But the memories, and the pain of my own childhood and most of my life made me wary of bringing someone into a world full or problems and drama and fire. I didn’t want a child to grow up feeling so many of the things I felt. I was too scared that somehow, history would repeat itself and I would damage him. Truth is, I probably will anyway but for now, I hear this child sing and I feel like against the odds, we have managed to get these first years right.

A child who says goodbye in the morning with hardly a backward glance, so confident knowing that at the end of the day, we will be back. A child who sleeps so soundly, in his own bed, all night, knowing that when he wakes up, we will be there. A child who leaps without questioning if we will catch him. Who looks at me like he couldn’t question my love even if he had the words to do so.

I am not trying to write a post about how awful my life was, it is what it is and it was what it was. I am happy now, I turned out half okay and I’m strong as fuck after everything. But how happy it makes me to know that somehow, we manage to make him feel like he can sing at the top of his lungs, even if he doesn’t know the words or how to keep a tune.

If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable must Man be of learning from experience.

George Bernard Shaw

Comment

10 Comments

  • Tamarah
    14th July 2019

    As always, this is beautifully written. How often our salvation lies in our children. And you love him so endlessly. Sending you so much love from over here

    • Jonelle
      Tamarah
      16th July 2019

      Thank you my dear friend. Always appreciate your support! xoxo

  • Celeste
    14th July 2019

    Rewriting the narrative. Freaking powerful words. I’m just here to tell you how awesome you are. And how much I love ‘watching’ Oden grow. He’s the sweetest. Still laughing at how he snugged you in.

    • Jonelle
      Celeste
      16th July 2019

      Thanks lady, I am so thankful every day that I get to know this little boy. He is just such a joy.
      Thank you for always being my cheerleader. You mean so much to me. xoxo

  • Maz
    13th July 2019

    This is the most beautiful thing you have ever written. I a BAWLING MY EYES OUT. I miss you guys so much. You are so strong, you ARE fire.
    And to add to that, I hope you know how much your friendship has saved me. Oden has the best mom and dad anyone could ever ask for.

    • TyrannyofPink
      Maz
      13th July 2019

      OMG and now I’m crying. I have to stop myself from telling you 20 times a day how much I miss you because otherwise it’s gonna just end up weird! I am so thankful for your friendship Maz, you keep me sane in the hardest of times even from a million miles away, no matter how hard your life is you are ALWAYS there for me when I need you. Thank you for the kindest words ever! I love you.

  • Chevone
    13th July 2019

    I often think of childhood as the foundation in our lives that either make, or break us depending on how we mature as we continue to grow in life. I love that your narrative is changing through the experiences of your parenthood.

    • TyrannyofPink
      Chevone
      13th July 2019

      I agree, it is and I’m so aware of that now as a parent. It’s so easy to just hold on to the painful memories when they can be great learning points for us instead.

  • Melissa Javan
    13th July 2019

    This says everything. “A child who says goodbye in the morning with hardly a backward glance, so confident knowing that at the end of the day, we will be back.” Thank you for sharing.

    • TyrannyofPink
      Melissa Javan
      13th July 2019

      Thank you, it’s funny because at first I was sad, why wasn’t my child clinging to me like all the others. And then I realised, it’s something to be proud of! Thanks for reading xx

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