The ghosts they leave behind

These last few days have been sad days for me. Yesterday without thinking I opened up a letter my gran had written for my wedding. It was a beautiful wish for happiness and it means so much to me because my gran died the year after I got married. At the end of the letter she said she was glad she had met Gerard and she knew that we’d have a long and happy marriage. I basically lost all control reading that. I sobbed and then I sobbed a little more. It means so much to me knowing that my family love the person I have chosen to spend my life with and reading her words was more than my fragile self could take yesterday.

This morning I woke up to a nice little memory from two years ago on Facebook. Isn’t it sweet how Facebook does that for you. So basically I woke up and the first thing I saw (because I check my Facebook while still lying in bed) was a photo from two years ago of my now both deceased grandparents. The caption on the photo is “don’t tell grandpa I’ve put this up” and it just breaks my heart. Two years ago, they were there, sitting on the bench, smiling happily. In such a short time, everything has changed.

I think of my son and how much they would have loved him. I think of all the slobbery kisses they miss out on. My heart breaks that they will never know him, my heart breaks that he will never know them. Everything reminds me of them. Politics, weather, tattoos, furniture and being broke. I remember my grandfathers words so clearly. Watch the pounds and the pennies take care of themselves.

I wonder how they would have coped knowing I was lying in hospital. I wonder if they’d worry but then I know they would. I think about my blog and I wonder if they’d understand this life I’ve chosen for myself. I wonder if they’d be proud of me – like they always had been.

I look around my home and pick up the mess off the floor and my grans words echo through my head… cleanliness is next to godliness and I think, how will I ever get this place clean enough. I don’t think I’d match her standards even if I spent all day trying. Though I see her in myself, as I wipe down the kitchen counters.

Every single day, there are moments when I think of them. My three grandparents who have left us behind, with their quirks and charm and individual personalities. These people who have influenced who I am so strongly and yet now, when I need them so desperately, are no longer around.

It seems weird that just three years ago, I had them all and now, I’m left with one.