• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar

Tyranny of Pink

We Are All Made Of Stories

  • Home
  • About
    • Subscribe to Tyranny of Pink
    • My Ostomy Journey
    • In the Media / Features
    • Terms and Conditions
    • Privacy Policy
  • Posts by Jonelle
    • Life
      • Authentic Living
      • Living with Intention
      • Motherhood
      • Emigrating
      • Mental Well-Being
      • That time I nearly died
      • Self-Confidence
      • Social Issues
    • Death & Grief
    • Travel
      • Destinations
      • Tips / Advice
    • Success & Career
      • Women’s Empowerment
      • Jobs & Career
      • Productivity
      • Interesting Careers
      • Blogging
    • Ostomy Journey
  • Contact Me
You are here: Home / Reflections on Life / Being Resilient / Death & Grief / When people you love die

When people you love die

17th February 2016 By Jonelle 12 Comments

We grieve more for ourselves than for those who have died

One of the only things guaranteed in this world is death and so it surprises me how unprepared we are as a species for when someone we love dies.

We are often completely thrown without the slightest idea how to treat people who are grieving. A little pat on the back and a sorry for your loss is usually the go to response. But really, how useful is that kind of behaviour and what is a good way to cope with actually losing someone. I don’t know. Death is fucking complicated.

So in the last few months, I’ve lost two very loved and dear members of my family. My grandfather died in September and my grandmother a few months later, just after my birthday in January. It sucks.

My family feels like it has broken into a thousand pieces.

Both of them suffered towards the end of their lives. Severe and crippling pain. My grandfather from the side effects of cancer and my gran, died of a broken heart. Of course in the end the symptoms were not a broken heart but after her life partner died she gave up the will to live. She just gave up.

I wanted them to meet my son, my grandfather died the week he was born. We hadn’t even left the hospital yet when I got the news. My gran died while I was in hospital for surgery in January. Fuck My Life. Seriously. I feel like it’s some sort of twisted and cruel fate but it’s not. It’s just life and life isn’t pretty.

So why aren’t we prepared for the only thing that is guaranteed to happen to us? Because it’s ugly. There were days I knew that dying was the answer in both their cases. I didn’t want these proud people to suffer. I felt myself quietly thinking it would be best if they just let go. I was mentally prepared for it. So why was it such a mind fuck when it happened? Well, quite simply,because no matter how prepared we are to let go of our loved ones, it’s ourselves we grieve for. We grieve because we will never see them again. Because we will never speak to them again. We grieve for all the things we won’t be able to show them and tell them and share with them.

My regrets are things like, why didn’t I have my son sooner. Why didn’t I spend more time with them. Why didn’t I…

The truth is, how could I live my life in anticipation of their death. I hate that my child will not grow up knowing the love of my grans hugs. Or the jokes told all day long by my gramps but the truth is, my child will have other experiences. He will be loved by other people. He won’t miss out on anything because he never knew them. It’s me I feel sorry for. I wanted them to see my child and be proud of me. It’s my loss. It was never about them or him. It’s all about me.

I grieve for myself. For all the missed moments and lost opportunities. I grieve for me.

WHEN PEOPLE YOU LOVE DIE - WE GRIEVE MORE FOR OURSELVES THAN FOR THOSE WHO HAVE DIED | Tyranny of Pink

Jonelle | Tyranny of Pink

 

Filed Under: Death & Grief Tagged With: coping with grief, dealing with death, losing a loved one

Previous Post: « What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
Next Post: Dancing with Death – 2004 »

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Karen Shatafian says

    18th March 2016 at 9:00 pm

    This is so raw and beautiful! I am sending you virtual hugs! My mom died before my kids were born and that is one of my greatest heartaches. They have come to know her through me. I talk about her constantly and although it isn’t the same, they have a sense of who their amazing grandma was. Xoxo

    Reply
  2. CharlieW says

    22nd February 2016 at 10:00 am

    Babes. So, so sorry! xxx

    Reply
    • TyrannyofPink says

      22nd February 2016 at 11:03 am

      Thank you my love <3

      Reply
  3. Cassey Toi says

    17th February 2016 at 10:54 pm

    All the beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeg hugs.

    Reply
    • TyrannyofPink says

      18th February 2016 at 10:15 am

      Thank you lovely!

      Reply
  4. ChevsLife says

    17th February 2016 at 9:02 pm

    Jonelle, this is so true and so very sad. I am so sorry for your loss . . .

    Reply
    • TyrannyofPink says

      17th February 2016 at 9:04 pm

      Thanks Chev ?

      Reply
  5. Bonnie says

    17th February 2016 at 3:36 pm

    I have no words. Just lots of love and the biggest hugs. Love you xoxo

    Reply
    • TyrannyofPink says

      17th February 2016 at 3:38 pm

      I love you too mom ?

      Reply
  6. TyrannyofPink says

    17th February 2016 at 1:45 pm

    Irene, thank you for your beautiful and sad comment. “A part of our own life has died” … no words are more accurate. When my father died, everything about my life had to change and my own life was over before I even realised it. Death is so powerful and it doesn’t get easier to lose someone you love no matter how many times it happens. Thank you for reading this rather melancholic post! x

    Reply
  7. Irene Eleftheriou says

    17th February 2016 at 1:30 pm

    As someone who has tried to make sense of this kind of loss for a long time, I also came to the same realisations, how it is all about our loss. There is no preparation, no rehearsal and no way of trying to live differently. Life happens, and death happens and I suppose it shakes us so much because when someone we love dies, it means a part of our own life dies, so the impact is direct. We grieve for the part of ourselves and our lives that we can’t touch again. Thank you for the post – sometimes we even need reminders of things we thought we realised long ago. X

    Reply

Trackbacks

  1. Like waves on the shore...the tides of grief - Tyranny of Pink says:
    16th March 2018 at 7:06 am

    […] With every passing moment, you simply learn how to smile through the tears and swallow them down. You learn to say I’m fine when someone asks how you are. You learn to shut up. To carry on. You let your grief fall deeper and deeper into the depths. But […]

    Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Primary Sidebar

Hi, I’m Jonelle

I write things, I make art, I like good food, wine, a whisky after a rough day and I’m always up for a new adventure. I believe we can all contribute to a better world and we should do it while living authentically. I answer to “mommy,” live in Wellington New Zealand with my family and work for Local Goverment. Welcome to my blog…

  • E-mail
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • RSS
  • Twitter

What's Popular?

  • Things are not always what they seem; the first appearance deceives many | Tyranny of Pink
    Authentic Living, Being You, Blog Things are not always what they seem; the first appearance deceives many
  • She's strong but she's exhausted - Taking care of Me! Tyranny of Pink
    Being Resilient, Blog, Mental Well-Being She’s strong but she’s exhausted – Taking care of Me!
  • She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible | Tyranny of Pink
    Being Resilient, Blog, Life She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible – An anonymous guest post
  • Being an Ostomate, Being Resilient, Blog Lazarus – A quick-start to making life easier for Ostomates
  • Being You, Blog, Reflections on Life The story of two bloggers who lived happily ever after

Recent Posts

  • Migration Tales – New Zealand in the times of Covid-19
  • The story of two bloggers who lived happily ever after
  • 3 great TED Talks to watch about race, inequality & being antiracist!
  • Do you have any issues with belonging she asked me
  • 4 years after my life-changing colostomy reversal surgery

Recent Comments

  • Jonelle on Lazarus – A quick-start to making life easier for Ostomates
  • Naomi on Lazarus – A quick-start to making life easier for Ostomates
  • Jonelle on 4 years after my life-changing colostomy reversal surgery
  • Adelle on 4 years after my life-changing colostomy reversal surgery
  • Maz on The story of two bloggers who lived happily ever after

Categories

Archives

Privacy & Cookies: This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this website, you agree to their use.
To find out more, including how to control cookies, see here: Cookie Policy

Such a pretty wine estate. #newzealand #southisl Such a pretty wine estate. 

#newzealand #southisland #queenstown #wineestate
Queenstown moody nights. #tssearnslaw #boatsofque Queenstown moody nights. 
#tssearnslaw #boatsofqueenstown #moodygrams
Ahhhh man, heading back to normal life today. Quee Ahhhh man, heading back to normal life today. Queenstown, you've been incredible. See you soon. 

#endofholidays #byebye #backtoreality
A glorious day of tasting wine that has ended with A glorious day of tasting wine that has ended with a community transmission scare. Eep.
Very lucky to be in a place where celebrating my b Very lucky to be in a place where celebrating my birthday is even possible. Such a privilege. Started 38 off on an absolute positive note. 

Celebrating the 6th bonus year of my life. Every one of the years I've been alive after my "almost died thing" are such a gift and life keeps getting better. So grateful to be here. So thankful. 

#queenstownbirthday #newzealand #celebrate #birthdayweekend
Wooohooo and the birthday weekend begins. Starting Wooohooo and the birthday weekend begins. Starting strong with prosecco and #Parrotdog

#cheers #happybirthdaytome  #prosecco #birthdaythings #happylife #newzealand #localtravel #craftbeer
Yum. Yum.
My Jax and the rolling hills of home. #Swaziland # My Jax and the rolling hills of home. #Swaziland #myboy #dogsofinstagram #swazi #homeiswheretheheartis

Copyright 2020 Jonelle Unfiltered | Tyranny of Pink