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You are here: Home / Reflections on Life / Being Resilient / Death & Grief / Dear Daddy – A letter I needed to write

Dear Daddy – A letter I needed to write

3rd May 2017 By Jonelle 15 Comments

It feels like a lifetime since you left us here, figuring the world out without you. Over a decade has passed and yet every day will be the shortest time that you’ll ever be gone because as the days pass, so does the time since I last got to speak to you.

I’m writing a letter to the world who reads my blog because somehow, it feels like if I put my emotions out there, they’ll stop sitting like a lump in my throat that I can’t swallow. It’s making it hard to breathe. Harder to keep going, pretending that I’m fine.

Days have gone by and I can’t shake the sadness that I feel when I miss you. I  won’t pretend that missing you hasn’t become easier. It has. I miss you quietly these days. Instead of in an all-consuming way. But for some reason, this week, this last short while has been a lot harder for me. I find myself wishing I could turn to you for advice. I find myself wondering what you’d say about everything going on in my life. I wish you could see me now, not that little girl that you knew. No, I’m a mom now dad. Did you ever see that happening?

I look at Oden growing so fast, learning to navigate the world and I find myself wishing that you could see him. That you could know him. I wonder how you’d have reacted to being a grandfather. I know you would have loved this little boy who wins the hearts of everyone. With his confident attitude and his belief that he can do anything and his gentle nature that stops to rub my foot when he hears me saying I hurt it. I wish you could see him as he tickles me and laughs out loud. I wish so much that you could have known him. I wish that he could have known you.

Oh dad! The world is so unfair. Here we are just doing the best we can and making the most out of it all. I’m struggling to write this down. It’s hard to see through the tears that I’ve been holding in for years. It’s hard to imagine a life with you in. The truth is, I just don’t know what that feels like anymore but I wish I could turn back time. I wish I could do things differently. I wish I could say things I didn’t say. Like I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not doing a better job of understanding the mistakes you’ve made. I’m sorry for being angry for the choices you made. I know now, that I’m older, maybe a little wiser, that life is hard. We’re all just doing the best we can.

I just really miss you dad, you know? The kind of missing that makes my heart feel broken. It hurts the most when I look at Oden and I know you will never know his little quirks. Like how he can’t stand having dirty hands but how he loves to play in the mud. How he is so bossy and if I’m honest, a little too much like me. How he makes little sighs as he sleeps. How he carries his “bunny” all over the place. Dragging it through the sand. That thing is the most loved soft toy in the world. You’d laugh if you heard him shouting “yayayayayay” in delight when you offer him an apple. An apple dad. He’s so excited by the world. I hope that never changes.

I don’t know what life would be like if you were here but I think you’d agree with a lot of the choices I’ve had to make. I think you’d approve or maybe I just tell myself that to give myself peace of mind. I’ll never really know either way. It’s your birthday this month. I forget how old you’re turning. I guess it doesn’t matter, you’ll always be 46 in my mind.

You’ll always be that big strong man from my childhood. You’ll always be perfectly preserved and faultless. That’s the one blessing of being dead. People remember all the good parts. They let go of the parts that make them sad. But I miss your good and I miss your bad parts too. I miss your short temper and your passion for life. I miss all of you. Your bad singing voice and your goofy smile that made everything better.

This letter is going all over the place I know. It’s hard to follow some sort of format when my heart is aching. It’s hard to make sense in my writing when my heart is broken. The world is unfair and we’re all just plodding along doing the best that we can.

I miss you dad.

Forever.

Your Joni.

Dear Daddy - A letter I needed to write

Filed Under: Death & Grief, Being Resilient, Blog Tagged With: a letter to my dad, coping with grief, death and grief, grief and loss, grief never goes away, grieving daughter, I miss you dad

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Ruksana Begum says

    20th May 2021 at 10:55 am

    My dad passed away a week before my girl was born last year.
    It kills me every single day since then. One moment I smile my heart at her milestone and other second I wished he could see all this.
    Everyday I am experiencing his feelings to my milestone when I was little and my heart hurts… I want to feel better. I want to be able to digest it. ……………………………………………………….
    I could connect to every line and every word of your letter. Thanks !

    Reply
    • Jonelle says

      20th May 2021 at 6:00 pm

      I’m so sorry, it’s honestly the worst feeling knowing they don’t get to meet our children! It’s hell!!

      Reply
  2. Roslyn says

    3rd May 2017 at 8:40 pm

    Thank you. You are a beautiful soul.

    Reply
    • TyrannyofPink says

      4th May 2017 at 2:13 pm

      <3 Thank you Roslyn xx

      Reply
  3. Bonnie says

    3rd May 2017 at 1:42 pm

    ♡♡♡♡♡

    Reply
  4. Bonnie says

    3rd May 2017 at 12:52 pm

    Oh my child. Your father would be so, so proud of the woman, wife, mother, daughter you have grown up to be. Beautiful tribute to your Dad. He would have absolutely loved Oden, as we all do.
    Love you as big as the sky xoxo

    Reply
    • TyrannyofPink says

      3rd May 2017 at 1:04 pm

      Ahhh mum! You’ve made me cry all over again. I don’t know what I would do without you! Thank you for always being there for me. Love you as big as the sky too! xoxo

      Reply
    • Melissa Javan says

      3rd May 2017 at 7:54 pm

      I agree with Bonnie – your dad would have been super proud. Big love to you Jonelle.

      Reply
      • TyrannyofPink says

        4th May 2017 at 2:14 pm

        Oh Melissa! I really appreciate that so much. Much love xx

        Reply
  5. Simone Cameron says

    3rd May 2017 at 11:59 am

    Such a sweet letter…one we all want to write. My dad left us 11yrs ago coming 1 June…. it sucks big time that they’ll never meet or know their grandkids 🙁 *Big hugs* I’m wearing mascara…I can’t cry like this….

    I may do something like this on the 11yr date..hope you won’t mind.

    Reply
    • TyrannyofPink says

      3rd May 2017 at 1:14 pm

      Thanks Simone. You should definitely write one to your dad. I write these all the time and it really helps me get things off my chest. It really does suck doesn’t it. The kind of suck that only people who have lost someone close to them will get. And I really don’t want more people to understand how it feels. Let me know when you do write yours, would love to read it <3

      Reply
  6. Rashi Singh says

    3rd May 2017 at 11:20 am

    My gosh, it feels like me reading my own thoughts when I read your post, Jonelle. I carry the same feelings, having lost my dad 10 years ago too. My eyes just welled up reading this. So so true, sometimes life just seems unfair 🙁

    Reply
    • TyrannyofPink says

      3rd May 2017 at 11:29 am

      I’m sorry that you get it, I’m sorry that you know this feeling. It’s the greatest tragedy in my life. I know you know how that feels. I’m sure watching Shay is always such a mixed emotion for you, so much happiness and pride with so much longing. Life is really unfair. <3

      Reply
  7. Zoe says

    3rd May 2017 at 10:48 am

    *biggest hugs*
    Such a beautiful post! Thank you for sharing it, even though it’s hard and sad.

    Reply
    • TyrannyofPink says

      3rd May 2017 at 10:58 am

      Thank you Zoe! I needed to get this out… <3

      Reply

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I write things, I make art, I like good food, wine, a whisky after a rough day and I’m always up for a new adventure. I believe we can all contribute to a better world and we should do it while living authentically. I answer to “mommy,” live in Wellington New Zealand with my family and work for Local Goverment. Welcome to my blog…

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