Things have felt so unfamiliar for the last few weeks as we all try so desperately to find our feet in a world that we don’t recognise. Everything is a struggle. Even the things that used to seem so commonplace. What shall we have for dinner. How will I get through the day. So far apart and yet, so similar, so intertwined. I don’t know how long this will last. I don’t know when this will be over. I just want to sleep a little longer.
But I can’t. I somehow have to wake up every single day and get through another day of uncertainty. My normally so well managed anxiety raging. I don’t know how to calm the noise in my head telling me that things will not be okay. Even though I know they will be.
I avoid the mass chaos to the best of my ability. Turns out I am unable to do that. I check stats obsessively. I check the numbers and their sources. I listen to the media briefings daily. I obsess. My mind will not stop thinking about this state we are in. I am trying to hold it all together.
Fast forward a few weeks
I am okay. Today. I’ve figured out the world I’m in now, a little bit. I wake up. I get dressed. I parent. I work. I cook. Sometimes I don’t. I drink gin. Sometimes I don’t. I check the stats. They are going down. I am okay. I take a walk around the block. I know these concrete streets so well. Everyone is so considerate. They cross the street. They walk around me. They make sure we don’t get to too close. I go home. I go to sleep. Wash, rinse repeat. Every day for weeks and weeks.
The numbers keep going down. Life is slowing down. Work is starting to feel regular. We don’t need to figure out the processes anymore. We all have found our pace. Slow and steady – we march on. Towards the other side of this.
United on a global level
It’s a strange thing to document, the feelings of living through a global pandemic. One day at a time. We march on. Our feelings in turmoil. Our emotions a mess. Life during a global pandemic. There is nothing normal about this, that’s for sure.
Today, there are no new deaths and no new cases. No new cases. No new cases. It rolls over and over in my mind. Like somehow I can’t process that we are finally here, at the point of things getting back to normal.
Is this it?
This morning as I walked to the clinic to get my flu shot, I passed a few dozen people. Not one crossed the road. Not one moved away. It was just me, ducking and swerving around the crowds of people. The nurse made jokes and she gave me my shot. We laughed together in a natural way. A kid cried behind me, I thought, I’m glad that’s not my kid, poor little boy. I left and went in search of a coffee before walking home, back up a hill, passed all the people going about their day. I know we aren’t over it yet and I hope we have learned a lot about humanity through this, I hope we keep some of the changes we’ve made, but today really did feel just a tiny bit normal.
New Zealand reported NO new cases and NO deaths today. So there is hope.