Tyranny of Pink

A South African in New Zealand

hartmann's procedure

6 Weeks Post Colostomy Reversal Op! I survived!

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The last few weeks have been really tough. My surgery went amazingly (Read about that here) well and a week after being sent home from the hospital I went for a check up and my surgeon happily reported that everything was perfect and it’s all over.

I smiled all the right smiles but in my heart, I knew that if something seemed too good to be true, well then, it probably is. Sadly I was right.

From right after surgery, I’d had a sharp pain just to the right of my surgery cut. I’d kept telling the surgeon but he suspected it was a stitch pressing on a nerve. It wasn’t till a couple of weeks later when a hole opened on my surgery site and it started weeping. Yup, look away now if you don’t like gross factor stories – it was leaking pus. YUCK!

More tests and another stay in the hospital

I went back to him and he sent me for scans. The pain was AWFUL and I was already weak from the entire surgery ordeal. The scan (which was painful in itself as the radiographer pressed her little scopes all over my hole) revealed that there was indeed a collection of pus that was travelling up to the hole and seeping out. The good news was that it needed to come out. The bad news was, it might make a second hole closer to the collection.

It did.

In fact, it made two more holes that I had to dress and clean for weeks. The last of the holes is only just now closing but I’ve also had some ridiculous pain in my bladder and in fact I was admitted AGAIN on Friday night for observation.

The Surgeon ended up ordering a CT-Scan to get to the bottom of this pain. Again, turned out there is a pool of pus under the surface which is causing pain as my muscle contacts and relaxes around it. So for now, peeing is a bloody bitch. YAY!

The good news is, as the swelling  goes down, my new belly button looks more and more lovely. He had to completely reconstruct my belly button which was completely destroyed by the previous surgeries and the hernia which pushed it out and stretched it terribly. I feel so happy now when I see my new navel as I always had such a cute belly button.

6 Weeks Post Colostomy Reversal Op! I survived! Tyranny of Pink
Yup, that belly button is completely crafted from scratch. Great job hey?

The healing begins

I’m finally able to turn without too much effort. You don’t realise how much you miss just being able to turn over in bed without using your hands and legs to help you manoeuvre.

I’m finally able to walk (short distances) without panting. I’m finally able to sleep through the night again without much pain.

I haven’t taken painkillers in weeks and that is HUGE for me. I hate pills and I hate taking them and to finally not be swallowing pills every 4 to 6 hours is amazing.

I’m finally able to take care of my son and play with him without much pain. This makes me most happy. Although I still can’t bath him. I love bath time and so does he so it makes me sad but I sit in the bathroom while he baths and that is some sort of consolation prize.

Things that make it easier

My mom has been helping with making dinner and bathing my son every evening which has been amazing because otherwise my poor husband would have to do everything on his own. We’ve also been binge watching Masterchef which I am ADDICTED to.

Life feels like it will go back to normal soon. Which would be great. In the meantime, I’m trying not to put too much pressure on myself to get everything done. I’ve been neglecting my blogs the last while. It hasn’t been easy, especially not watching my stats drop like crazy but I’ve had to prioritise my health.

I think it’s paying off with healing but my mental health is deteriorating. I’ve been having so many self doubts about everything I do. Wondering what the point is of it all.

The point is, I get to live. I get to watch my son grow and I get to do what I love!

6 Weeks Post Colostomy Reversal Op! I survived!

The emotional aspects

I think when you’ve been through so many surgeries and one recovery after the other, you can’t help being emotionally affected.

Sometimes I struggle with doing things and I am so hard on myself. At one point things were so tough I wondered if it would have been better on everyone if I had just died. I don’t wish I’d died but I watch everyone pulling the slack and I can’t parent properly and I’m so hard on myself.

Post traumatic stress catches up with you so quickly and I’ve got to be aware constantly of letting myself slip down the rabbit hole. Some days I just want to stay in bed and feel sorry for myself. It’s on those days when I make sure I get up and get in the shower and try to achieve something on my to-do list. That always makes me feel better.

People underestimate what trauma does to your emotional well-being #PTSD Click To Tweet

Trauma is really not easy on a person. It’s tough going through all of this because your body struggles but your mind takes a HUGE knock and that’s the part that no one really gets.

I think I’ve done a pretty decent job at getting by. I’m happy, I’m thankful. I’m slowly recovering and I can finally see the light at the end of this tunnel. I can’t even believe that 9 months has gone by while I’ve been dealing with all of this but it really finally seems to be coming to an end. I survived!

6 Weeks Post Colostomy Reversal Op! I survived! Tyranny of Pink
I wish I’d kept all of them. Really puts things into perspective!

 

 

6 Weeks Post Colostomy Reversal Op! I survived!

If you know of someone who might benefit from the experience then please put them in touch with me. It is tough going through this alone and wondering if you’re normal.

Joni_Sig2

What it was like having my stoma “reversed”

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My stoma was never meant to be permanent. It was something that needed to happen in order for me to live and hate it as I did, it saved my life.

I got my little friend “Francis” during an emergency procedure that saved my life after my colon was ruptured giving birth. You see, it (my colon) had been fused to my uterus and tugging my baby out my belly had caused my uterus to rip away from my colon leaving a hole in it. A number of days later I was rushed into emergency surgery where my cavity was found to be literally filled with shit. How delightful. My colon was in such a bad state that it had to be saved by letting it rest for a few months. And so, my stoma was born.

 

My intestine was cut and the end was pulled through the wall of my tummy. A bag was attached over it to capture waste. So for months, I lived like that. I FUCKING HATED IT but at the same time, I was grateful. This was literally the only way I could live. I’d choose it again every time if I had to do it over. 8 months later and I am here, alive and on my road to recovery.

I’d been told I’d have my stoma for anything between 3 months and a year. I prayed that was 3 months but complication after complication meant that 3 months later, I was still having surgery for other things and a reversal was off the table.

I thought I’d die like this. For a time I thought maybe I should just keep it. After all, it had saved my life. I thought i was a better option than having yet another surgery. I met with my Doctor and discussed the upcoming reversal. He informed me that because of the nature of my surgery and also my history, it was best if I had a specialist do the operation. I didn’t want to even imagine anyone else going near me. This man kept me alive. But more than anything, I trusted his judgement and I knew that he wouldn’t be sending me to anyone but the best. So hesitantly I went to see my “new”surgeon.

He told me that the risks of the procedure included the risk of death. He told me I could live a long and happy life with my colostomy. He told me it was something I had to think about.

I told him there was nothing to think about. I was having the surgery.

A couple of days later, I was back in his room prepping for a colonoscopy. This is a delightful procedure when a camera is inserted up your rectum (and through your stoma if you have one) to look at the state of your intestines and determine if you’re suitable for a reversal. I was bloody terrified but it was over quite quickly and the great news was the he saw no reason not to go ahead.

My surgery was booked for a week later. It was the longest week of my life.

I went back and forth between crying and trying to be positive knowing I had to do this. I had to take a chance towards a normal life.

When the day finally arrived, I put on my big girl panties and went off to the hospital where they promptly gave me an enema. COME ON… more stuff up my damn bum. lol well that was pretty awful but now the waiting came.

I wasn’t allowed to eat anything before my surgery, except a light breakfast before 6 am. My surgery was scheduled for 1.30 and I was starving. The very lovely anesthetist  came around to ask me a bunch of questions, do I have a history of blah blah, do I have crowns, do I think, do I that… it all started to feel real.

My Stoma Reversal

What it was like having my stoma -reversed- - Tyranny of Pink

Then my surgery was moved up and at 12.30, I was being wheeled off to the theater. I kissed my mom and my husband and they took me away. I remember thinking, what if that’s the last time. What if this is it, what if I die.

I don’t know why but I was certain that I was going to die in there. I’d hugged my son to the point of smothering him. I guess I was hoping he’d somehow remember how much his mom loved him. I didn’t want to die but the truth is, 1 in 50 people having this surgery die. I didn’t want to be a part of the statistic but I had to be realistic. I thought this might be it for me.

The anesthetist made me sit on the edge of the operating table. In nothing but my green gown. That room was bloody freezing and every where I looked there were technical machines around me. I was definitely in the right place but it felt like the cockpit of a futuristic space ship. I was overwhelmed. As I sat on that table, clutching a pillow while the epidural needle went into my back, I thought of the life I’d be leaving behind and I sobbed.

I couldn’t imagine Oden growing up without a mom. Without ME, his mom. My heart ached. I sobbed. “I’m usually pretty tough” I told the Doctor, I think he thought I’m lying but I was so afraid. He was kind and gave me tissues and distracted me by telling me stories about his daughter. I lay down and I remember his face leaning over me, telling me not to worry, he’d be there the whole time. Somehow the reassurance of this man I’d just met put my heart a little at ease.

I woke up in ICU. I vaguely remember my surgeon talking to me, telling me it was a success but everything was blurred. I slept for what felt like a month.

When I woke up, I was confused and didn’t know what was going on but my mom, my step dad and my husband were there, at my bedside. Everything had gone even better than what they expected. They thought it was going to be a really tough procedure given my Endometriosis and multiple surgeries I’d had before. They had scheduled a 7 hour surgery but it was over in around 4 hours. I was free.

stomareversal - Tyrannyofpink

Joni_Sig2