Being a newbie mom
Today my baby turns 6 weeks old. We’re taking him to get vaccinated and I’m terrified. I can’t handle the thought of my little guy being in pain. This feeling I suspect is one that won’t go away any time soon. It’s one that as a parent, I will have to get used to. I feel that over and over again I’m going to watch him get hurt and it’s going to break my heart.
You see, already, in this short space of time, I love this little guy more than I could have imagined. He keeps us awake at night, he vomits on us, he pees on our hands as we open his nappy. He makes giant smelly poos that really have no business coming out of a newborn but he has changed our world.
My son has reflux. This means that he struggles to keep his milk down. A short while after a feed, it comes gushing out. Sometimes through his nose. My little man screams and cries in pain. My heart hurts watching him suffer. He chokes on the milk as it gushes up his throat and he doesn’t understand what’s happening. All I can do is wipe his face and hold him tight and whisper in his ear “mommy’s here” but the truth is I feel useless.
I don’t want my little guy to suffer. Not now, not ever.
He has changed my life. My heart feels full and achy and excited. I look in his eyes and I wonder what the future will bring.
Everyday, I am terrified that I won’t do things right and that I’ll screw him up in some way or other. Don’t all parents get it wrong at some point? I don’t want to be one of those parents but I guess there is no escaping it.
I love. I love more than anything and I want so desperately for this little boy to have it all. I want him to have all the love in the world. In fact, I suspect that I may smother him with too much love. I’ll take my chances there. For now, I’m just thankful to be keeping him alive. Sometimes we aren’t really sure what this whole having a baby thing entails… sometimes it’s easy.
All the help makes all the difference
I couldn’t get through this without help though. I’m not ashamed to admit that. Having a baby is really not easy. For now, while I’m still healing my husband does most of the night shifts. On top of that we have a night nurse twice a week that my in laws have so generously hired for us to get us through the tough stages. My mom takes the baby one night a week (don’t we appreciate the Saturday morning lie in now) and we have amazing support systems. My sister in law arranged for a food delivery service for a week and my amazing friend Kim has been bringing us food made by various friends! Having a baby is REALLY difficult but it really helps to have awesome people in your life.
The mom guilt
I have mom guilt every single time I hand my son over to the nurse. I constantly feel like I should be doing this on my own – but I love my son nonetheless. I love him SO much my heart aches. When I pack his bag to go to my mom, my heart aches a little more with sadness. I give him about 30 kisses before handing him over. Then I lie back and go to sleep and make up for the sleepless nights.
Having a baby is REALLY not easy. I have more respect now for women who do it all on their own. I have respect for moms who have traditional marriages where the women take care of the kids on their own. I couldn’t do this on my own. I certainly couldn’t do this without my husbands help. I love my son to bits but it’s a serious adjustment.
It’s all worth it
It isn’t easy having a baby but it’s worth it. Every time I see him look at me, every time I realise he’s doing something new and exciting, every time he goes to sleep or greedily drinks at his bottle – I think about how this is all worth it. I’ve never known love like this before. Where your heart is overflowing with a protective love and all you want is everything for this tiny human. It’s all worth it. When I say the words “my son” and I realise that nothing is ever going to be the same again for me or for our little family. That this beautiful little boy has arrived in my world and has changed everything.
Being a mother has changed me! There’s no going back from here. <3 How did becoming a mother change you? I’d love to know how you coped with the new adjustments! Did you have help or did you do it all on your own?