I didn’t always know if I wanted to be a parent. I thought the world can be so ugly that I wasn’t sure that I wanted to bring a new life into it. When I met my husband, that changed. I decided I wanted to have a family with him. When we started trying for a baby, and then found out we couldn’t naturally conceive, I was crushed.
When the miracle that is my son happened, without drugs, without IVF, without being possible, I was over the moon. We were overjoyed.
I was terrified.
I kept playing my fears over and over in my head. What if this world isn’t good enough for him? What if I’m a terrible mom? What if I get it wrong? What if he gets his heart-broken? What if..? what if…? what if…?
Then he was born and the fears changed.
He was in NICU. What if things went wrong? What if he didn’t live? How would I cope. I wouldn’t.
Then I was in ICU and suddenly it was more about what if I died? What if he never had a mom? What if he never knew me? What if he grew up without his mother loving him? What if I never got to see him grow?
[bctt tweet=”Being a mother means being afraid of a million things on a daily basis #BeingMom” username=”tyrannyofpink”]
But he lived, and I lived and eventually, we came home together to start our new journey
I continue to be terrified every single day. What if he falls and gets hurt? What if I’m not a good mother? What if…?
As time passes, the fears change but they are ever-present.
The only difference now is that we are in this together. What ever happens. I’m here. If the world is an ugly place, I’ll be there. If he gets his heart-broken, I’ll hold him tight. If he falls and gets hurt, I’ll kiss his wounds better.
Because no matter what, all we have is this moment and this moment, is a blessing.
We were told we couldn’t have a child and we were blessed with this miracle. This baby who laughs and plays and loves with his whole heart. Who gives me cuddles and kisses and knows how to get exactly what he wants.
We are blessed and we love with all our hearts.
The hardest part of being a mother is knowing that you can’t control the world we live in. You can’t change what happens and you can’t stop the pain and suffering. Being a mother is hard because all we want to do is protect and keep our children safe at all times.
All we can do, is the best.