This is a tough one for me to write. I feel like I’m putting myself out there a little too much but let’s be honest, after reading about how I pooped through a hole in my tummy into a bag nothing is gonna shock you, so here goes.
Over the course of the last year, I’ve put on 10 kgs. I weigh more than I ever have. I hate my body and I hate the way it makes me feel. I know it’s not the worst body and I know I should be grateful. I know it could be worse. I know! But bear with me!
Ten years ago (I know this is ages ago), I had a body that I wasn’t ashamed of, but since then, things have changed. For me and for my body. I don’t need to look like the girl in this photo – honest!
It’s hard to write this because it’s thanks to this same body that I’m even alive at all. It birthed my son. It carried me. It carried me when I thought it was going to give up. But it didn’t. It fought and surprised everyone. Including me.
But I try my clothing on and nothing fits. And I hate myself. And I hate this body.
Styles I used to wear look terrible and I’m having to figure out getting dressed all over again.
I hate this feeling and I hate this struggle.
So I said to myself:
Self. You hate yourself right now.What can you do to fix this.
And I came up with a plan.
Because life is too short to use words like hate.
Life is a too short to cry every day because nothing fits.
[bctt tweet=”Life’s too short to use words like hate! #Motivation” username=”tyrannyofpink”]
This body worked so hard
To keep me alive and I’m so very grateful to it.
Because of this body I get to live. I get to see this face every day.
So now it’s my turn to do right by this body.
[bctt tweet=”I know it will not be easy but it will be worth it! #Motivation ” username=”tyrannyofpink”]
I know it won’t be easy but let’s face it.
Nothing worth having comes easily.
I’ve started going to gym and I can already feel the difference it makes. Truth be told, I’m the most unfit person in the room because for the last year and a bit, I’ve not been able to do very much at all. In fact, there have been months that I couldn’t even get out of bed. After all the surgeries, my body is weak and it takes a lot out of me to do anything.
I started off being the only person in the gym going at tortoise pace but you know what, slow and steady wins the race because I can already feel my mindset changing and being more positive.
I’m now walking on the treadmill longer than I could a month ago. I can hold my own on the step climber thing and I cycle a full 20 minutes now!
Change is happening slowly and I can’t see and changes happening yet but it’s happening and that’s what matters.
But it’s not just about exercise
I’m also changing my diet and the things I put into my body.
During my struggle to recover, I found solace in chocolate and wine. I’ve cut out eating as much chocolate as I used to and I’ve cut back on how much wine I drink. I don’t think depriving myself of the things I love is the best way to live so I still have these two things, I just have less. I’m okay with that.
I have also recently cut out carbs and this is the hard one. We eat a lot of bread, rice and pasta and I KNOW that my body doesn’t process these things well so it was a no brainer for me to stop eating them. It’s going to be tough but so far so good.
I don’t need to be thin, I just need to feel strong and comfortable in myself. I want to wear the clothing I own instead of feeling like I have nothing to wear anytime I need to leave the house.
So many people don’t understand my journey because I should be grateful and I agree, I should be. And I am but I’m also uncomfortable in myself and that’s something that is in my power to change. So, I made a plan and I’m going to do just that!
I know that this is not really the best thing for everyone, but cutting dairy, sugar and grain made me drop 5kgs in a week. Even if you don’t want to do the dairy or the grain – definitely cut the sugar. Your body will thank you!
xoxo
Thanks Cindy! Thanks! I hardly ever have dairy as I’m lactose intolerant so that’s not too hard to do. So this might be a dumb question but does that mean cutting out fruit too in order to cut out sugar? I definitely want to try this because 5kgs in one week – hell yeah!!
This resonated so much with me … except for our circumstances it could have been me writing. I was fit and strong when I was diagnosed. Swimming at least five times a week and heading for my provincial and then, hopefully, SA colours for masters swimming. Now I’m overweight, unfit and absolutely no strength. I get angry and frustrated with my myself. I also know I should be grateful I’m as well as I am but I feel as if I’m living with a stranger. So … I’m going to start swimming again. I know I’ll have to be happy with baby steps but hopefully it will help, not just my physical self but my head as well.
Thank you Jonelle, you have inspired me … ????
Melanie, I think few people can even say that they were that close. What you achieved when you were well was something amazing but what you’ve achieved since, is even more amazing. I can only imagine how hard it is looking back at “what you missed” but I really do get how frustrated you feel with yourself. It’s hard to go from perfectly healthy to struggling to get off the couch. Oh boy do I struggle. If you’re feeling up to it, maybe you can get back in the pool and just start slowly. As you say, it would probably help your mind feel stronger too to get back to something as familiar for you. I believe in you and your body has done magical things. I can’t wait to see you conquer these goals <3 Much love!
Well done! Healthy eating definately makes a huge difference. Looking forward to seeing your transformation.
Thank you so much Liza! I’m actually excited about the journey ahead!
Plus, now I’m officially accountable 🙂
The first step is always the toughest. Good for you for taking that step and then a whole lot more. ?
Thank you mom <3