I don’t know if this is something that should go on my blog. Why? Because this blog is my happy place. It’s my special place on the internet. It’s the place I come to be me and right now, I’m not feeling all that much like me to be honest.

I’m living – in a sort of plodding along type of existence. The type where people don’t know if they should be jealous of all the free time you have or feel sorry for how empty things are. Well, they aren’t really that empty. We have a toddler and he’s off school for what feels like 800 years but honestly, the truth about our life is that we had wrapped things up.

People keep asking us when we are planning on leaving and we are awkward in our response. 9th December 2017? Well, that’s what we had planned anyway but thanks to me and my delightful experience with Home Affairs, I don’t actually know when the fuck I am leaving.

I’m sad. I’m the kinda sad where I feel like bursting into tears over NOTHING – but it’s not nothing is it, it’s THIS shit!

I’m sad because well, firstly, my life is SO ridiculously on hold at the moment that I don’t know if I’m Arthur or Martha but mostly, I’m sad because this week when Donald Trump referred to Africa as a “shithole” I understood and a part of me agreed. Because ONLY in a fucking shithole can it take a full year to get documents that a) your are entitled to and b) you didn’t fuck up in the first place.

I’m aware that I’m swearing a lot. I don’t care.

I am also very aware that this blog post will go down in history as the time I agreed with Donald Trump and that, I care a fuck lot more about.

I don’t agree with him for the same reasons obviously. HIS reason was that Africa is not white enough to be good enough for his country – let’s call a racist a racist. I don’t agree with anything that he ever said or believed but I can’t help feeling like yeah well maybe this is a shithole. This country is only really good to people who can afford for it to be? Not so?

I mean if you’re poor (which I’m not) things are a whole lot harder here.

If you’re rich, (also which I’m not) things are a whole lot easier for you here.

I’m sure that’s the definition of a shithole country? A place where the value of human life is measured in the wealth that they have accumulated? Ugh – anyway this isn’t about DT and his tom-dickery of the day.

This post is about me!

I AM LOST…

I am so frustrated.

I would like to just make a decision about my life that involves me actually having a say.

I want it to feel like it’s still the holidays but let’s face the facts – it’s the middle of January already (my birthday is in a few days and that represents the best day of the year but also the end of the first month of the new year). I’m probably rambling but I don’t know if I will publish this anyway so for now it doesn’t matter. (sidenote: I probably will because I’m just all about the honesty like that – unapologetic and shit).

God I feel so fucking frustrated in my own life right now.

Moving to New Zealand seemed like it would be tough but after a few hellish months we’d be there and we’d be settling in and it’d be okay. Instead, I’m here terrified that Immigration New Zealand are going to get sick of me (my shithole country) and give up on waiting for me to send them something that resembles some sort of passport.

APPARENTLY – Home Affairs now have my information and it’s waiting to be finalised but every time I call back they tell me to call in another week? Maybe it’s a light at the end of some weirdly long and insufferable tunnel but I’m struggling to be optimistic.

I can’t deal.

A funny thing just happened – I was getting so emotional writing this post so I decided I needed to take a break so I switched over to twitter and this was the first thing I saw on my timeline. I feel like it’s a sign of some sort so I’m going to end this here. Love and courage! xx

You’re going to make it, you’ll be ok, miracles happen every day. – Heather Wolf #quote pic.twitter.com/14OpfYe92S

— Burton Brown Sr. (@BurtonBrown) January 14, 2018

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