The hardest conversation

I’m pretty open with my child, I’m honest with the answers I give him and if I don’t know something, usually I will look it up. Something he asks about often is my dad. My dad died a long time ago. It doesn’t get easier but it does get easier to cope. Every now and then Oden will ask me about my dad. He knows he died. He knows how he died. He likes to hear about my dad and he asks to see photos of him too. I enjoy sharing memories of my dad with my son. I sometimes struggle when he asks if my dad ever knew him. I can only say no. I wish so much he had.

I struggle even more when he asks me why didn’t he wear a seatbelt. I don’t have the answers to that. Except that he was very naughty for not wearing a seatbelt. My father was 46 when he died. I have no doubt that if he had been wearing a seat belt, I’d be writing a very different blog post right now. I’d be telling a different story, it’s possible I’d be living a very different life.

I don’t like telling my son that my father was irresponsible and that’s why he didn’t wear his seat belt. That he thought he was invincible and nothing would ever go wrong for him. That he couldn’t get hurt. It pains me that at age 3, my child is so aware of the importance of wearing his seatbelt. And yet my father tok a chance that left us fatherless.

It’s not an easy conversation to have and yet we have it over and over again, like as if he’s trying to process it. He shouldn’t be wiser than a grown man, at only 3. I resent my dad for his choice. I resent him for leaving us, for putting me in this position and for being the reason my 3 year old is so aware of the importance of safety.

I don’t like this conversation but we have it over and over and over again. And so the cycle continues.

Be safe out there…


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