Something people say to me, often quite flippantly is, “you’re so confident.” To them, I’m clearly this strong, confident woman.
I’ve heard this in many formats, versions, and telling’s over the last few years.
You’re so confident and outspoken. You don’t shy away. You are so brave. You are so confident. Repeated over and over again. As if this “confidence” is the silver spoon I was born with.
The gift of self-assurance.
The gift of knowing who I am and what I stand for.
Well, I will let you in on a little secret.
I’m still that trembling wall flower. My voice quivers. My pulse soars. My heart beats so hard in my chest that I think I might die.
I question and judge. I wonder and reassess. What if I sound dumb? What if they laugh at me? What if what if what if. What if they see I’m a fake? A fake what my own mind asks me? They’ll see me for the fraud I am. Someone underqualified.
So, I study something else. A qualification will fix that. Give me room to stand tall. Validate my voice. Some institution thinks I know what I’m talking about. I graduate. Again, and again.
And the doubt lingers still.
I question my voice. I doubt my opinions. I tremble and shake.
But I don’t back down.
I have questions and queries. I have a job to do.
I take a deep breath. I raise my voice a little louder than necessary. Over the deep stronger, confident voices that know for sure what they say and I ask and give, my opinions. So unsure.
And they listen. And they value. They value the words that I say.
And next time I will be braver. Stronger. More Confident.
A strong confident woman.
Because this “confidence” that to others looks naturally born, is the work of years of practice. I raise my voice. And I speak up and I have value to add. But I doubt myself each and every time. What if. What if. When they took away our seat at the table. They told us our voices were not wanted. What if I silenced THAT voice? That tell me I have nothing to give.
So, I told them to get fucked. I am woman. Hear me roar.
My voice is valid.
My opinions are valid.
My ideas are valid.
I am enough.
A Strong, Confident Woman!
*hello stranger, it has been a while, did you miss me?