You wake up in the morning and everything is perfectly fine. The day, just like any other is going so perfectly. You think about all the things you have to get done today and you try to arrange a timeline in your mind around how you’re going to fit it in. Never mind, you’re superwoman. You can handle all of those things like a boss. You’ve done it a thousand times before.
So you start ticking things off your list, at one point you realise that you’re so engrossed in your task that a few hours have passed and you haven’t had lunch yet. It’s 3pm in the afternoon. Your mind is working overtime and you think to yourself briefly, damn I’m awesome. Nearly everything on your list is done.
It’s 5pm and you go home from work. It’s the end of a long day. You open up a bottle of wine and pour yourself a glass. Your husband asks you how your day went and you open your mouth expecting to say you have achieved so much when suddenly, you burst into tears. Your tears roll down your cheeks and suddenly you’re sobbing uncontrollable sobs. You can’t breathe, you don’t know what just happened. You were fine a second ago and suddenly it feels like the world has come crashing down.
You try to explain what’s going on but you don’t quite know and all you can think of is that one task on your list that hasn’t been done. The only thing left on your list is to buy Christmas cards. It’s only August so that can’t be it can it?
Having anxiety has the ability to make you feel like a complete failure. Somedays, life seems so complicated and although you can’t understand it, you are certain that if you get out of bed, the sky WILL fall on your head. The panic attacks often come without warning and if you try to ignore them, they can start to control your life. Every time an attack passes, you feel like you’re the last man standing after an apocalypse. Other people can’t understand what you’re going through. They think you’re overreacting but you know better. You really needed those Christmas cards now! Didn’t you? Although if you’re really honest with yourself, post panic attack you’re not so sure anymore and you’re maybe also a little embarrassed of your reaction.
It’s not nice to live with anxiety but the good news is that you can learn to control it instead of letting it control you. You have to grab that metaphorical bull by the horns and face it head on or your life could become unbearable. People offer you what they consider to be helpful tips but unless you’ve actually experienced a full-blown panic attack, you know that deep breaths (while helpful) are so far from your reality right now that you may just punch them in the face for even suggesting them.
I recently asked my readers what they/you would be most interested in seeing me blog about and mental health was something that featured quite prominently. I think there is still a lot of stigma in admitting that we have any sort of disorder. We are supposed to keep these things private and not share details of our weaknesses with the public
Hi, my name is Jonelle and I survive numerous Panic Attacks!
“Having anxiety has the ability to make you feel like a complete failure. Somedays, life seems so complicated and although you can’t understand it, you are certain that if you get out of bed, the sky WILL fall on your head.”
Back when I was in early high school, I went to my family doctor, an older man, and explained my nervousness, sweating hands, rapid heartbeat… especially surrounding school. I had no idea it was anxiety… he just told me I was a type A personality and to relax. I have always done a lot of self talk but it seems the older I get, the more anxiety I have.. this time it is mostly related to other people (my kids, my husband, my studets) and the inability to control my environment when other people are involved. I have to remind myself that I can’t control them, that they aren’t me and I can’t fix everything. It is hard sometimes. But at least now I know what it is and it has nothing to do with me being a type A personality. I’m enjoying your blog, btw.
I wonder if Type A personalities are more likely to suffer from anxiety because that’s definitely my personality type too. I also struggle with other people not getting it right and suffer quite a bit with not trying to control their behaviour. I want everyone to do things perfectly in the way that I would do it but that’s not fair and it causes everyone stress doesn’t it.
Thank you, I’m glad you’re enjoying my blog. I thought you might because our blogs seem very similar in nature 🙂
The last full blown attack I had was in 2005. Although I’ve trained myself to stop an attack before it fully plays out, 10 years later, I still find myself fighting that battle. It takes everything I have to stop it in its tracks and it’s EXHAUSTING! The more I speak about my experience, the more I find people who are battling with anxiety and are so happy to find they’re not alone or ‘going mad’ or that it’s not shameful to suffer from it. I’ve learnt that we go through and win battles not just for ourselves but often to help those around us. We’ve just got to keep speaking out. Shame never served anyone.
Hi Paula
Thanks for your comment. I only discovered a few years ago that this feeling I was suffering from was anxiety. At the time, I didn’t know anyone who had been through the same experiences. I’ve since found that the more open I am about it, the more people I discover out there who have the same experiences as I do. It can be so draining to have an attack but it’s so beneficial to find out how others get through their experiences. You’re right, we have to keep speaking out. It’s the only way to kill the stigma.
xox
I was the same. I had never even heard of panic/anxiety attacks when it first happened to me, leading me to think that I was, in fact, losing my mind. I was on meds for a while until I felt strong enough to rely on my mind which I learnt was not ‘broken’. It’s bloody hard work but the key thing is to trust yourself and your mind. Because although it feels like it, your mind is not entirely consumed by the anxiety. I felt let down and victimised by my mind. With each attack you strong arm into submission, the more you starve the neural pathway, the less attacks you have. Doesn’t happen overnight but in this case, practice literally does make perfect. Well perfect-ish in any case. Lol. Like I said it’s taken me 10 years to get to having to bring it under control every few months as opposed to at least once a day. I say if you’re able to acknowledge what is happening when it is happening, you’re on your way to recovery.
In the beginning I also thought I was losing my mind. I couldn’t understand how I could be so short of breath and feel like the walls were closing in on me for no reason. Like you, I took medication to help get me through the toughest time but once I had passed that phase, I was suddenly able to do it on my own. It hasn’t always been easy. I look forward to the day I can say I’ve not had an attack in ten years but my attacks don’t last as long as they used to which is something to be grateful for on its own. I’ve learn to accept them and let them pass instead of being crippled by the fear for days like I once was. I agree with you with my whole heart; once you acknowledge it, you can recover from it! <3