Lately, I’m just so tired. I feel like I have nothing in me to give to anyone. Nothing of any value really. I remember a time when I could write a post every day and the words would just flow. Right now, I’m running on empty and just feel like I need to put myself first for a while. So that’s what I’ve been doing. I’m sorry to have left my blog looking like a ghost town. I realise it isn’t the best approach to blogging to just disappear from your blog for a while but to be honest, after everything that has happened I just can’t focus on anything other than getting better.
[bctt tweet=”Life can be so tough but you’ve got to keep getting back up! “]
Life has been so fucking draining. I’ve not yet had a chance to grieve the loss of either of my grandparents. I’m drowning in the recovery process from my surgeries. I’m ashamed to put this out into the world. Things are hard but I wake up every day and I smile and I laugh and I get on with shit even though it’s the last thing I want to do.
All I want to do really is fall apart. I want to sit in the corner and feel sorry for myself. I want to just be okay with grief, with loss, with pain, with everything that hasn’t been going well but somehow it seems like I don’t have the right. I don’t have the right to be sad, or unhappy… so instead… I put on a brave face and smile. SMILE till your face hurts and everything will be better.
If there is anything I’ve learnt from this whole ordeal it’s that, I am not very good at admitting defeat. I don’t like to be told I have to give in and sit back and heal. NO. I refuse to be that person. I refuse to let anyone know I’m weak too. I’m not this strong person they think… at least that’s what I keep feeling like but the truth is, you don’t have to suffer under the weight of your burdens. It’s okay to admit that life is hard. There is no shame in saying you know what, life is hard, and I’m sad in this moment. Tomorrow is another day… and it’s okay to just feel what you feel.
Lessons I’ve learnt along the way
- It’s okay to not be okay!
- It’s okay to ask for help!
- It’s okay to accept help when it’s offered to you (yes mom, this one is directed at you).
I’ve had to depend on other people a lot while I’ve been recovering and I’ve had to deal with extreme mom guilt and wife guilt and daughter guilt and all round general feelings of failure but actually, at the end of the day, the truth is that I’m thankful to have people in my life who are so willing to help me. I’m thankful to have people who want to support me and I’m extremely grateful to be in the position to get help with the things that I just can’t do on my own.
[bctt tweet=”The true measure of strength is getting up when you’ve been knocked down”]
I don’t think it makes me weak to admit that I can’t do it all on my own. I don’t think it makes me any weaker and instead, I’m able to heal and recover and be the best person I can be for my family.
Cheers to the strong… who admit defeat, cry, fall apart and get back up and keep going!
Wow…. Jonelle with this blog & the She’s strong but Exhausted you have described me!…… The only difference is that I never gave my self the right to grieve after my husbands adultery…. & because I have gone through many things in life & have tuffen them out, I thought I could do the same this time, but reality is I’m exhausted & feel like a failure in this sucky life.
Thanks a million now I know I’m not alone & you actually helped me put my feelings into words. ?
You are definitely not alone. There are so many women like you and I, who are tough and are fighters but even warriors need to rest sometimes. There’s no shame in struggling – we need to be more kind to ourselves. I know that sometimes it’s hard to admit but it’s okay to take a minute out for ourselves and just recover! Life can be so sucky but it can also be so wonderful. Your husband did a really horrible thing and you deserved the time to grieve and come to terms with the loss you felt – but it’s never too late to deal with the emotions that we file away in the corner of our minds because we think we should feel shame. The only shame is with him! I know that in the long run, we will beat the sucky parts of life because we are warriors! xoxo
Thanks for your encouragement. XOXO.
<3
What a beautiful post. I hope your days will become a bit more sunny. Best wishes to you!
Thank you Jessie! Very much appreciated! xoxo
Cheers to you love. Down sometimes but never, ever out. So glad you are taking some “me time” for a full recovery. Emotionally and physically. Love you xoxo
Thanks mom. Love you too! xox
Hi Jonelle, I agree with all the comments below. The best thing to know is that you’re supported! And the feelings of thankfulness and gratefulness will make you more humble and able to accept yourself the way you are. You’ve really been through a lot and sadly the birth of your boy coincides with so many unhappy events in your life. But it is true that you must put yourself first right now so you can recover and be able to enjoy your new life. I’d like to share with you an article I wrote recently, which I was very much reminded of when I was reading your post. I hope you find it helpful. Love to you, Vilina
http://www.theseeds4life.com/4-things-ive-learned-from-going-through-a-crisis
Hi Vilina
Thank you SO much for sending me that link to your article. I’ve just read it and it was exactly what I needed right now. I’ve been struggling with accepting things that have happened to me but this last week I just decided it’s time. I woke up this morning feeling ready to face the world again. I think the biggest blessing is that all this coincided with the birth of my son, to be honest I don’t think I would have been able to handle any of it if I didn’t have the drive to get through it all so that I could be here with him. Even on the darkest of my days that little boy gives me purpose. I just wish it could have been an easier intro into motherhood. Thank you so much for your support. It really does mean so much to me! Much love. x
You are amazing, Jonelle! I love that you can be so honest about where you are at. You ARE strong, but you don’t have to be strong all the time. What you are going through right now is only going to strengthen you! I can tell, because I can relate so much to you. You will find a way through whatever life brings. Be kind to yourself. Allow yourself just to be. In acceptance lies peace. I’ve recently found Rian Kerfoot and Megan Hale. Wonderful women who have closed Facebook groups for women. Google them and see if they might be a great place for you to find some encouragement…might see you in there! 🙂
Hi Elizabeth. Thanks for your message. I can’t tell you how much the support means to me. Sometimes I think twice about how personal my blog is but this is how I cope and when I get support like this, I know that it’s okay to just be me. Even in the moments I feel most vulnerable. It takes a lot to accept that falling apart doesn’t mean I’m weak. It just means I need to let go for a little while. I’ve been allowing myself to just feel over the last few days and I’ve cried a lot but today I’m feeling strong again. I needed it. I’m going to look up these women you have suggested. Thank you so much! xxx
“Things are hard but I wake up every day and I smile and I laugh and I get on with shit even though it’s the last thing I want to do.” I admire you for this, it takes EVERYTHING in one to do this when, like you say, all you want to do is fall apart.
Our strength however, is admitting that we aren’t invinsible, in admitting that we’re not okay, and life sometimes really sucks!! It takes strength of character to admit that we too are fragile, and need help.
Take time out for you. Recover, mope around for a bit, cry, be and let it out. When you are ready of course – this too takes strength.
XoXo
I love your message! I read it and then I needed some time away from this post before replying because just reading it all was making me fall apart. It changes you to know that when you see yourself as broken, other people see strength in us. It is so hard for me to admit defeat but I’ve spent the last while feeling so sad and accepting everything that has happened and now I think I’m okay. I feel ready and capable and just like you said, I needed to take time out. Thank you for always being so kind to me! <3
Cut yourself some slack. I’d say give that girl a bells. Compared to everything you have had to deal with Im a monumental d@@s for the way I complain. So I have a corner for you. Cleenex to your right, a pillow for your bottom. Let rip you’ve earned it. Let the dam break because here’s what I know. The healing only starts after the storm. The speed of your physical recovery is linke to your emotional state of mind
I’m sorry for taking so long to reply, have literally been hiding in the corner feeling sorry for myself. Thank you so much for this LOVELY message. I can’t tell you how much these mean to me! I agree, the healing only starts after the storm and hopefully the worst of it is over right now. Don’t ever underestimate the weight of your own issues just because mine are like this… it’s okay to complain about the things you’re going through too!! And if you want support, just a message away! Thanks for your never ending kindness <3