Lately, I’m just so tired. I feel like I have nothing in me to give to anyone. Nothing of any value really. I remember a time when I could write a post every day and the words would just flow. Right now, I’m running on empty and just feel like I need to put myself first for a while. So that’s what I’ve been doing. I’m sorry to have left my blog looking like a ghost town. I realise it isn’t the best approach to blogging to just disappear from your blog for a while but to be honest, after everything that has happened I just can’t focus on anything other than getting better.
[bctt tweet=”Life can be so tough but you’ve got to keep getting back up! “]
Life has been so fucking draining. I’ve not yet had a chance to grieve the loss of either of my grandparents. I’m drowning in the recovery process from my surgeries. I’m ashamed to put this out into the world. Things are hard but I wake up every day and I smile and I laugh and I get on with shit even though it’s the last thing I want to do.
All I want to do really is fall apart. I want to sit in the corner and feel sorry for myself. I want to just be okay with grief, with loss, with pain, with everything that hasn’t been going well but somehow it seems like I don’t have the right. I don’t have the right to be sad, or unhappy… so instead… I put on a brave face and smile. SMILE till your face hurts and everything will be better.
If there is anything I’ve learnt from this whole ordeal it’s that, I am not very good at admitting defeat. I don’t like to be told I have to give in and sit back and heal. NO. I refuse to be that person. I refuse to let anyone know I’m weak too. I’m not this strong person they think… at least that’s what I keep feeling like but the truth is, you don’t have to suffer under the weight of your burdens. It’s okay to admit that life is hard. There is no shame in saying you know what, life is hard, and I’m sad in this moment. Tomorrow is another day… and it’s okay to just feel what you feel.
Lessons I’ve learnt along the way
- It’s okay to not be okay!
- It’s okay to ask for help!
- It’s okay to accept help when it’s offered to you (yes mom, this one is directed at you).
I’ve had to depend on other people a lot while I’ve been recovering and I’ve had to deal with extreme mom guilt and wife guilt and daughter guilt and all round general feelings of failure but actually, at the end of the day, the truth is that I’m thankful to have people in my life who are so willing to help me. I’m thankful to have people who want to support me and I’m extremely grateful to be in the position to get help with the things that I just can’t do on my own.
[bctt tweet=”The true measure of strength is getting up when you’ve been knocked down”]
I don’t think it makes me weak to admit that I can’t do it all on my own. I don’t think it makes me any weaker and instead, I’m able to heal and recover and be the best person I can be for my family.
Cheers to the strong… who admit defeat, cry, fall apart and get back up and keep going!